"God grant me
the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage
to change the things I can
and the Wisdom
to know the difference."
I read this from Mr. Derick's blog and somehow it sounds...meaningful.
I like the Serenity part.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Come clean
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned
'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no life
I defy
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin
'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Than always staying in
Feel the wind
I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming...
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned
'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no life
I defy
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin
'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Than always staying in
Feel the wind
I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming...
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Yesterday.
I bought a CD 5 years ago.
It cost only eighty cents.
It keeps all my favorite songs.
Backstreet Boys's.
Unbreakable. You're Beautiful.
Unbreak My Heart(Spanish).
We Belong Together. Almost There.
Wake Me Up When September Ends.
and more.
One day,
I decided to hide it somewhere.
Somewhere I won't be able to find it.
So, I hid it somewhere.
Another day,
I realized that I wanted it back.
So, I ransacked every possible 'somewhere' but, to no avail.
I simply forgot where it was.
I lost this CD forever, just like that.
I was granted a necktie two years ago.
It was a very unique tie.
No one could have possessed it. Not even the richest or smartest man.
I wore it around my neck every day.
It was inspiration.
It was, strength.
I kept it nicely, right beside my pillow.
And I thought this could last forever.
Yesterday, I decided,
to soak it overnight, in a little green bucket.
Today, I saw it in another blue bucket.
Mom washed it. She untied the tie.
And I lost the tie forever, just like that.
Just like that.
The very few things which were exceptionally important for me...
just like that.
Sometimes, it's just hurt to see them gone. As those were the very few things.. the only few things, you left behind. ='(
It cost only eighty cents.
It keeps all my favorite songs.
Backstreet Boys's.
Unbreakable. You're Beautiful.
Unbreak My Heart(Spanish).
We Belong Together. Almost There.
Wake Me Up When September Ends.
and more.
One day,
I decided to hide it somewhere.
Somewhere I won't be able to find it.
So, I hid it somewhere.
Another day,
I realized that I wanted it back.
So, I ransacked every possible 'somewhere' but, to no avail.
I simply forgot where it was.
I lost this CD forever, just like that.
I was granted a necktie two years ago.
It was a very unique tie.
No one could have possessed it. Not even the richest or smartest man.
I wore it around my neck every day.
It was inspiration.
It was, strength.
I kept it nicely, right beside my pillow.
And I thought this could last forever.
Yesterday, I decided,
to soak it overnight, in a little green bucket.
Today, I saw it in another blue bucket.
Mom washed it. She untied the tie.
And I lost the tie forever, just like that.
Just like that.
The very few things which were exceptionally important for me...
just like that.
Sometimes, it's just hurt to see them gone. As those were the very few things.. the only few things, you left behind. ='(
Monday, November 23, 2009
36
I spent a day, pondering on what can I say,
or how can I convert those feelings into words,
and arrange them in an appropriate manner,
so that they are in my favourite phrase,
and tell the world how much I loved it.
Heartfelt gratitude, I would like to extend,
to the ever energetic Ms Say,
who made Physics a little bit less complicated for me;
to the 'more-like-a-sister' Ms Effa,
who never scolded me for being slow no matter how long I took to figure things out;
to the ever-wanted Chem. lecturer Ms Jacklyn,
for making things clear for me although she looked fierce;
to the ever fatherly Mr Wong,
who broadened my horizons even though I'd still doze off during Econ classes;
and lastly to the ever sentimental Mr Derick,
for all the approaches he had taken,
and all the encouragement, throughout the course.
Here comes the toughest part.
I adore you. I cherish you. I appreciate you.
My classmates, my housemates, my neighbours,
and you you you you you and you you you you you...
Like I said, it's just as difficult as oral test. It's like you have so much to tell but there's nothing you can say.
If I were to build an ark, I bet it would be a ship.
Too bad that it couldn't be the Flying Dutchman,
and that farewell is inevitable.
But then I'd stay in this ship, and may life be great for you,
all of you.
or how can I convert those feelings into words,
and arrange them in an appropriate manner,
so that they are in my favourite phrase,
and tell the world how much I loved it.
Heartfelt gratitude, I would like to extend,
to the ever energetic Ms Say,
who made Physics a little bit less complicated for me;
to the 'more-like-a-sister' Ms Effa,
who never scolded me for being slow no matter how long I took to figure things out;
to the ever-wanted Chem. lecturer Ms Jacklyn,
for making things clear for me although she looked fierce;
to the ever fatherly Mr Wong,
who broadened my horizons even though I'd still doze off during Econ classes;
and lastly to the ever sentimental Mr Derick,
for all the approaches he had taken,
and all the encouragement, throughout the course.
Here comes the toughest part.
I adore you. I cherish you. I appreciate you.
My classmates, my housemates, my neighbours,
and you you you you you and you you you you you...
Like I said, it's just as difficult as oral test. It's like you have so much to tell but there's nothing you can say.
If I were to build an ark, I bet it would be a ship.
Too bad that it couldn't be the Flying Dutchman,
and that farewell is inevitable.
But then I'd stay in this ship, and may life be great for you,
all of you.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
35
Holidays are cool.
Wah, can I touch it? [Next, she'll be looking into the mirror and then smile, smile, smile....]
Huh? Speechless.
1. What have you been doing recently?
2. Do you ever turn your handphone off?
3. What happened at 10am today?
4. When did you last cry?
5. Believe in Fate/Destiny?
6. What do you want in life now?
7. Do you carry an umbrella when it rains or put up your hood?
8. What are the nicest things in your inbox?
9. Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
10. Are you wearing anything borrowed from anyone?
11. What was the last movie you caught?
12. What are you proud of?
13. What does the oldest text message in your inbox say and who is it from?
14. What was the last song you sang out loud?
15. Do you have any nicknames?
16. What does the newest text message say and who is it from?
17. What time did you sleep last night?
18. Are you currently happy?
19. Who gives you the best advice?
20. Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can?
21. Who did you talked to on the phone last night?
22. Is something bugging you right now?
23. Who is the last person to make you laugh?
24. Do you like yourself?
25. You want $5 or $10?
26. Do you think you are stupid sometimes?
27. Who is your best best best friend?
28. What will you do if you like that boy?
29. Who are your favourite stars?
30. You hate your mother sometimes in some ways?
31. Do you had even stead before??
???
32. What type of boy do you like?
33. Now are you single/attached?
10 people to tag. 10 random names.
1. You Gee
2. Wah Loong
3. Hooi Ying
4.Shun Ling
5. Ainin
6. Chia Venn
7. Ming Chai
8. Yi Wen
9. Zhao Kang
10. Jie Min
1. Would you date number 5?
2. Number 2 just got in a car crash. How do you react?
3. You see number 9 with your boy/girlfriend. What do you do?
4. You come home and and your room has been ransacked by number 4.
5. Number 1 is acting weird.
6. Numbers 3 & 8 decide to give 10 a haircut.
7. Number 7 just got tickets for him/her and you to go to a concert.
8. Number 10 takes you to a bar.
9. Number 4 has to move to the other side of the world.
10. You and number 8 are being chased by the cops for an unknown reason.
11. Number 7 and you are sitting on the couch watching a movie when he/her wrap his/her arm around you.
12. Number 5 asks you out to dinner.
13. Number 9 and you are sitting on a bus.
14. Number 6 calls you in the middle of the night because he/she can't sleep.
15. You're walking with someone and number 6 runs up and tackles you to the ground from behind.
16. Number 1 is crying one day and you ask him/her why and it seems their boy/girlfriend has dumped them.
17. Number 2 offers to bake you a meal. As you sit in the other room, the kitchen is suddenly aflame.
18. Number 4 comes to your door one day holding a koala.
Wah, can I touch it? [Next, she'll be looking into the mirror and then smile, smile, smile....]
19. Number 4 just got you an X-Box.
20. Number 9 challenges you to a children's card game!
21. Number 1 thinks he/she's overweight.
22. Number 7 looks lonely.
23. Number 2 asks you rudely to go leave her/him alone.
24. Numbers 5 and 3 decide to throw a surprise party for you.
25. Number 6 decide to dye his/her hair black. What do you say to that?
26. Number 7 tells you he/she is going to go out for a while, and then later you hear about a shooting where he/she went.
27. You catch number 9 by him/herself, crying.
28. Numbers 1, 3, 5 and 6 all tackle you at once.
Huh? Speechless.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Thirty-four
If only I had the gut
to bang myself against the wall
Nonsense!
Nonsense!
Nonsense.
Can't quit now. Can't move on, either.
i LOVE eald, very much.
to bang myself against the wall
Nonsense!
Nonsense!
Nonsense.
Can't quit now. Can't move on, either.
i LOVE eald, very much.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Thirty-three(Love Letter)
If blogging has become a medium for us to talk, why waste it?
V,
I can take harsh words. As long as you talk, I can take it. Because of you, I'm losing myself, wondering how could I become like this. And then, because of you, I found what I've been searching for all these whiles.
I'm been wondering, how could I dislike a close friend like you, so much, to the extent that I myself can't accept. Now I know why, but there's no need to tell. It's good that you left me alone, as the spaces you gave allow my hatred to diminish and now it's gone. Our friendship is gone, but there's no need to mourn as we both paid the price.
We used to be so close together. At least I thought so. But at the meanwhile, I know that I myself never really truly opened up and let you in. You can perceive thing this way: I never put much faith in you, even though I tried. I never try to be angelic, but I like the your comment that I am a coward who pretends to be good. All these whiles I am only TRYING TO BE GOOD, because I've never been real good, because I've been spoiled before I came here, because I listen to my head rather than my heart all these time.
I don't have a kind heart. No matter how hard I try to get one. There's always something inside, something I regard as selfishness. Even writing this is merely due to my selfishness, worrying that some time in the future I'll feel bad for what I've done to you before I die. See?
I've never been good in anything. Not even in 'shooting' people or to say what others dare not to say. It's you who dare to voice up, I never do, and that's the part I admire the most about you. I am a coward who pretends to be good, so true. If only I had your gut to be who I am. Somehow your theory of the art of camouflage fits exactly into my context. I have tonnes of masks, each different from one another. If I could make a business out of it, I'm pretty sure I could have earned more than Bill Gates.
I don't remember since when it began. I asked my best friend, how to divorce a friend, since the beginning of 2009. And when I thought things could be fine if I bend my knees, I suggested reconciliation and you accepted it. It took so long for me to realize that you and I can never be good friends, we never should, not with your characteristics and my personality. Never. It was a fatal mistake since the beginning. We shouldn't have been that close. Had we only been casual friends I'm sure we wouldn't have come to where we are now.
Yes, exactly, different mindset. For I am a coward, I bottled up all my dissatisfaction and unhappiness on the inside. I don't know if you do. Things went out of control when he came in between you and me. But I guess I've reached the breaking point that now it broke, and I feel extricated. How pathetic. It's all my problem, after all. It's me who got problem. Nothing to do with him or you.
I don't know much about you. But I know you can survive. And that you have a bright future ahead of you, waving and smiling and welcoming you. So I know it's good for both of us, to let go of each other.
You influenced me so much to an extent that I myself can't believe. I did not cry when Neutral went off to the US. Durian's rejection failed its duty to call for my tears. But you. I felt tears coursing down my cheek when I signed the paper, marking the end of our friendship.
I've been thinking of writing a love letter before I reach 20. Just never thought that it would be something like this. You never changed. You are still the one who I first knew. Assertive and confident. You've taught me a lot of important things in this life.
Lastly, for bearing hatred for you, for I couldn't make it the way I thought we were meant to be, for all the things that I've done which might have hurt you, I'm sorry. Glad that we both tried. Glad that you woke me up.
I am sincere, too.
V,
I can take harsh words. As long as you talk, I can take it. Because of you, I'm losing myself, wondering how could I become like this. And then, because of you, I found what I've been searching for all these whiles.
I'm been wondering, how could I dislike a close friend like you, so much, to the extent that I myself can't accept. Now I know why, but there's no need to tell. It's good that you left me alone, as the spaces you gave allow my hatred to diminish and now it's gone. Our friendship is gone, but there's no need to mourn as we both paid the price.
We used to be so close together. At least I thought so. But at the meanwhile, I know that I myself never really truly opened up and let you in. You can perceive thing this way: I never put much faith in you, even though I tried. I never try to be angelic, but I like the your comment that I am a coward who pretends to be good. All these whiles I am only TRYING TO BE GOOD, because I've never been real good, because I've been spoiled before I came here, because I listen to my head rather than my heart all these time.
I don't have a kind heart. No matter how hard I try to get one. There's always something inside, something I regard as selfishness. Even writing this is merely due to my selfishness, worrying that some time in the future I'll feel bad for what I've done to you before I die. See?
I've never been good in anything. Not even in 'shooting' people or to say what others dare not to say. It's you who dare to voice up, I never do, and that's the part I admire the most about you. I am a coward who pretends to be good, so true. If only I had your gut to be who I am. Somehow your theory of the art of camouflage fits exactly into my context. I have tonnes of masks, each different from one another. If I could make a business out of it, I'm pretty sure I could have earned more than Bill Gates.
I don't remember since when it began. I asked my best friend, how to divorce a friend, since the beginning of 2009. And when I thought things could be fine if I bend my knees, I suggested reconciliation and you accepted it. It took so long for me to realize that you and I can never be good friends, we never should, not with your characteristics and my personality. Never. It was a fatal mistake since the beginning. We shouldn't have been that close. Had we only been casual friends I'm sure we wouldn't have come to where we are now.
Yes, exactly, different mindset. For I am a coward, I bottled up all my dissatisfaction and unhappiness on the inside. I don't know if you do. Things went out of control when he came in between you and me. But I guess I've reached the breaking point that now it broke, and I feel extricated. How pathetic. It's all my problem, after all. It's me who got problem. Nothing to do with him or you.
I don't know much about you. But I know you can survive. And that you have a bright future ahead of you, waving and smiling and welcoming you. So I know it's good for both of us, to let go of each other.
You influenced me so much to an extent that I myself can't believe. I did not cry when Neutral went off to the US. Durian's rejection failed its duty to call for my tears. But you. I felt tears coursing down my cheek when I signed the paper, marking the end of our friendship.
I've been thinking of writing a love letter before I reach 20. Just never thought that it would be something like this. You never changed. You are still the one who I first knew. Assertive and confident. You've taught me a lot of important things in this life.
Lastly, for bearing hatred for you, for I couldn't make it the way I thought we were meant to be, for all the things that I've done which might have hurt you, I'm sorry. Glad that we both tried. Glad that you woke me up.
I am sincere, too.
Thirty-two
When girls are swooning over beautiful CLOTHES, nothing comes into sight except CLOTHES, not even Edward Cullen. What's more wtih... [Effectively applicable for Hooi Ying and Ainin]
"Gosh, the skirt is very nice! Wanna take a look?" Hooi Ying suggested.
"I think the blue one is better." Ainin said.
Forever 21. There we entered the shop.
My footsteps stopped at the entrance as I tried to 'scan' through the shop.
OK... The shirts/skirts/whatsoever sold here just don't lift my appetite.
I was standing alone when the mysterious shadow walked towards to me, as Hooi Ying and Ainin were so excited and drooling over their new- found favourites.
My eyes were still scouring the shop when that guy tried to do something.
Dangerous. A tinge of fear slithered down my spine as my biological alarm rang inside my brain. Thinking that he might be a psycho or whatsoever, I didn't even bother to look at him and walked straight towards Hooi Ying and Ainin at a marvelous speed.
That guy followed me.
In that case..perhaps he is some sort of ..salesman or sale assistant in the shop, I thought.
Then I turned and looked at his face.
Eh? Not sale assistant? So familiar?
My retarded mind started to carry out its function by sending me all the information/possibilities on whose face is this. The process was so efficient and effective as if it has romped through the thousands of faces that I've ever seen in my life in that mere half-second!
Gosh, it was Mr. Derick!
"I was like blah blah blah... and then blah blah blah...you guys blah blah blah..." Mr Derick grumbled.
"Really? Oh..blah blah blah blah blah blah..." Ainin replied.
Having just experienced a superb shock, the only phrase I heard was 'window shopping'.
So we bumped into our EALD lecturer yesterday. How unexpected.
So our lecturer made an effort to make himself visible in our eyes. How cute. Hehe...
"Gosh, the skirt is very nice! Wanna take a look?" Hooi Ying suggested.
"I think the blue one is better." Ainin said.
Forever 21. There we entered the shop.
My footsteps stopped at the entrance as I tried to 'scan' through the shop.
OK... The shirts/skirts/whatsoever sold here just don't lift my appetite.
I was standing alone when the mysterious shadow walked towards to me, as Hooi Ying and Ainin were so excited and drooling over their new- found favourites.
My eyes were still scouring the shop when that guy tried to do something.
Dangerous. A tinge of fear slithered down my spine as my biological alarm rang inside my brain. Thinking that he might be a psycho or whatsoever, I didn't even bother to look at him and walked straight towards Hooi Ying and Ainin at a marvelous speed.
That guy followed me.
In that case..perhaps he is some sort of ..salesman or sale assistant in the shop, I thought.
Then I turned and looked at his face.
Eh? Not sale assistant? So familiar?
My retarded mind started to carry out its function by sending me all the information/possibilities on whose face is this. The process was so efficient and effective as if it has romped through the thousands of faces that I've ever seen in my life in that mere half-second!
Gosh, it was Mr. Derick!
"I was like blah blah blah... and then blah blah blah...you guys blah blah blah..." Mr Derick grumbled.
"Really? Oh..blah blah blah blah blah blah..." Ainin replied.
Having just experienced a superb shock, the only phrase I heard was 'window shopping'.
So we bumped into our EALD lecturer yesterday. How unexpected.
So our lecturer made an effort to make himself visible in our eyes. How cute. Hehe...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Thirty-one
I walked down the staircase, not wanting to wait for the lift.
I then kept walking. I just didn't want to stop.
And I can't stop pondering.
How could I not know about it until Saturday?
Why would I still go for sister's convocation knowing that I was running out of time?
What I have done in the previous weeks?
I thought I was studying?
Why would things turn out to be this way?
Why couldn't I remember what I've studied just 1 day ago?
How could this happen to me?
What do I want actually?
Why do I want to fly actually?[Not for dream, of course.]
Why do I study so hard?
Whom can I talk to?
Talk? What do I want to talk about?
"How come nobody tells me?" NO.
Pathetically, I blame myself for what happened.
If only I have spent more time studying...
But then, would it make any differences? A little bit, I suppose.
No, I can't find the right word to convey what is in my mind.
It's all my own fault.MY FAULT!
I had just handed in my last Econ topic test.
Don't remind me of the speech. It's worse.
I walked back home today.
I didn't feel tired.
It's the heart which feels exhausted ,
yet, holding its last breathe,
whispered to my ears:
"Don't give up. Not Yet."
I then kept walking. I just didn't want to stop.
And I can't stop pondering.
How could I not know about it until Saturday?
Why would I still go for sister's convocation knowing that I was running out of time?
What I have done in the previous weeks?
I thought I was studying?
Why would things turn out to be this way?
Why couldn't I remember what I've studied just 1 day ago?
How could this happen to me?
What do I want actually?
Why do I want to fly actually?[Not for dream, of course.]
Why do I study so hard?
Whom can I talk to?
Talk? What do I want to talk about?
"How come nobody tells me?" NO.
Pathetically, I blame myself for what happened.
If only I have spent more time studying...
But then, would it make any differences? A little bit, I suppose.
No, I can't find the right word to convey what is in my mind.
It's all my own fault.MY FAULT!
I had just handed in my last Econ topic test.
Don't remind me of the speech. It's worse.
I walked back home today.
I didn't feel tired.
It's the heart which feels exhausted ,
yet, holding its last breathe,
whispered to my ears:
"Don't give up. Not Yet."
Monday, August 10, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Twenty-nine
"Thanks a lot!"
"Thank you very much!"
"Thank you, I love you!"
"Thanks ya!"
Thank you!
Enlighten me.
How to tell that phrase
in such a way which shows
how I feel for them?
Dai Ga Jie, Hooi Ying, Ainin and Chia Venn.
Although it turned out to be a mess in the end, I thank you for what you've done for me. I really do. There's no way to tell. And often I wonder, why I am always the least helpful ones? As if I'm only good in washing the bathroom or sweeping the floor and then nothing else.
"Thank you very much!"
"Thank you, I love you!"
"Thanks ya!"
Thank you!
Enlighten me.
How to tell that phrase
in such a way which shows
how I feel for them?
Dai Ga Jie, Hooi Ying, Ainin and Chia Venn.
Although it turned out to be a mess in the end, I thank you for what you've done for me. I really do. There's no way to tell. And often I wonder, why I am always the least helpful ones? As if I'm only good in washing the bathroom or sweeping the floor and then nothing else.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Twenty-eight
I dislike somebody. I never told.
Nor would I tell, or try to imply.
I hate hypocrite, loathe that person
as if whatever this person does
I can't help but to dislike it.
I tried and try and I'm still trying
to be neutral towards this person.
"How could you do this to me?", I used to ask. Being indifferent and ignorant, your choice to deal with our problem. I guess I must have owed you in my previous life, if there's any. And now I'm servicing the debts. Day by day, I believe that it's about to be done, as my hatred and disgust for you is ceasing. And one thing I can't deny, I bad-mouthed you behind my 'OK-looking'. Let's say I'm bad. I dare say you are no good either.
I like somebody. I never told.
Nor would I tell, but I did imply.
I am the hypocrite
for treating him ice-cold
despite the desire deep down
which is eager to see him
everyday that's what I do.
I tried and try and I stop trying
because I do not have the gut
I just don't have the gut
to tell you I hate you
and to tell you I like you.
Once in a while, I want to write this blog, the way I used to write. The way I want to write.
Nor would I tell, or try to imply.
I hate hypocrite, loathe that person
as if whatever this person does
I can't help but to dislike it.
I tried and try and I'm still trying
to be neutral towards this person.
"How could you do this to me?", I used to ask. Being indifferent and ignorant, your choice to deal with our problem. I guess I must have owed you in my previous life, if there's any. And now I'm servicing the debts. Day by day, I believe that it's about to be done, as my hatred and disgust for you is ceasing. And one thing I can't deny, I bad-mouthed you behind my 'OK-looking'. Let's say I'm bad. I dare say you are no good either.
I like somebody. I never told.
Nor would I tell, but I did imply.
I am the hypocrite
for treating him ice-cold
despite the desire deep down
which is eager to see him
everyday that's what I do.
I tried and try and I stop trying
because I do not have the gut
I just don't have the gut
to tell you I hate you
and to tell you I like you.
Once in a while, I want to write this blog, the way I used to write. The way I want to write.
Twenty-seven
She banged the door behind me. Half-consciously, I asked in a playful tone "Hey, why so angry?" I heard no voice after I finished my sentence. I turned back. She threw her bag on the floor. "Bang!!!!!" again, she closed the bathroom door.
That night, she wept, convulsively, and the emotional outburst was so clear that I could hear her pain. It was all about WORDS. Words could, often, if not always, cause much hurt than knife could do.. Baffled, I blurted out her name, wanted to console her...NO. Wanted to tell her that, it's all right to cry out loud. Just let them out.
Sorry.
It's never easy to say sorry, when you really mean it.
SORRY is a powerful word. The far-reaching implications which the word brings shall not be disparaged, as it can actually tame the burning flame and soothe the shattered soul. Unfortunately, with brutal honest, it has been violated and abused by some of the very brilliant creatures in this world who are overly self-centered or overprotective, if you would want to hear it in a more polite manner. Probably, they have higher analytic skill that, "I, myself, and me come first before everything on the earth" is the awfully noble mindset that they hold, so that they survive, in this cruel and unpredictable and 'no-one-should-be-trusted' life.
No wonder the world has become how it is today.
If everyone were to embrace that very noble and outstanding mentality to live their lives, what's left here in our lives?
Crying is a cathartic doing.
What should I do when people cry, I seriously wonder.
I smile, usually, because I don't know what else on earth can I do.
To console them? Or to let them be?
How I wished I could be like Edward Cullen,
to be able to read people's minds...
I'll be there for her, just like how she does.
That night, she wept, convulsively, and the emotional outburst was so clear that I could hear her pain. It was all about WORDS. Words could, often, if not always, cause much hurt than knife could do.. Baffled, I blurted out her name, wanted to console her...NO. Wanted to tell her that, it's all right to cry out loud. Just let them out.
Sorry.
It's never easy to say sorry, when you really mean it.
SORRY is a powerful word. The far-reaching implications which the word brings shall not be disparaged, as it can actually tame the burning flame and soothe the shattered soul. Unfortunately, with brutal honest, it has been violated and abused by some of the very brilliant creatures in this world who are overly self-centered or overprotective, if you would want to hear it in a more polite manner. Probably, they have higher analytic skill that, "I, myself, and me come first before everything on the earth" is the awfully noble mindset that they hold, so that they survive, in this cruel and unpredictable and 'no-one-should-be-trusted' life.
No wonder the world has become how it is today.
If everyone were to embrace that very noble and outstanding mentality to live their lives, what's left here in our lives?
Crying is a cathartic doing.
What should I do when people cry, I seriously wonder.
I smile, usually, because I don't know what else on earth can I do.
To console them? Or to let them be?
How I wished I could be like Edward Cullen,
to be able to read people's minds...
I'll be there for her, just like how she does.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Twenty-six
Sometimes, thing doesn't have to be that way.
I can always make a change
The craziness has to be halted.
I can always make it stop.
Forgive me
for telling you goodbye
before I tell you hi
Goodbye.
I can always make a change
The craziness has to be halted.
I can always make it stop.
Forgive me
for telling you goodbye
before I tell you hi
Goodbye.
Twenty-five
Yesterday, I broke a beaker during Chemistry practical class. It was in examination condition. After boiling the solution for about 10 minutes, surprisingly and irrationally, I tried to transfer the BEAKER to the basin using a TEST TUBE HOLDER. Of course, how on earth can a test tube holder holds a beaker? I must had been running out of my mind, letting the unnecessary things wallowing in my mind all those whiles until I lost my ability to rationalize things. Darn..
So it fell and I tried to save it. Yet I failed and it broke.
Automatically as if it had been programmed, I turned and got to the sink and opened the pipe and let the water ran down my burning palms. Ms. Jacklyn was saying something, yet no one words got into my ears. Michelle, the first one came to me and asked if my hands were alright. Within a minutes, Chia Venn approached me and asked me the same question. Sooner, Hanis, my housemate who made me a birthday card during my b'day, did the same thing.[I was touched..I really did.]
Later, my palms were still burning. I mean, they are BURNING. It was, painful. Here came the the stern-looking lab assistant. Gingerly and slowly, she applied some medicine on my burning palms. I started to weep. [Glad that i was inside the 'preparatory room'] It wasn't about the pain. I simply felt touched by her. To me, she was a complete stranger; and this so-called stranger took care of my wound with utmost care, as if I was her little sister. "Don't cry..." I remember how soft her whisper was, and how sincere it was...that it touched my heart.
Within two minutes I calmed myself down. Reluctant to let my friends see my weeping look, I put on the 'everything-is-alright" mask[a mask which I have been wearing all these while] and carried on...
It costed me RM6 for breaking the beaker. In other words, I bought something else with this RM6. Had I not broken the beaker, I would not have seen the who are the real friends that I've got.
Chia Venn, a friend who I thought I've lost when she got together with Beng, has always been there for me when REAL troubles come. About two months ago, she was also the only one who consoled me. In fact, she was the only one who saw me through when that happened.
Hanis, my housemate+classmate. Besides making me a birthday card, she helped me to wash chicken when I first cooked in student house. She helped me to remove the 'fat' as it is unhealthy to consume "chicken's fat". Although there has been little conversations/interaction, she seems to be ready to help whenever I needed one. How nice of her...
Thanks a lot. I appreciate them. Thanks.
So it fell and I tried to save it. Yet I failed and it broke.
Automatically as if it had been programmed, I turned and got to the sink and opened the pipe and let the water ran down my burning palms. Ms. Jacklyn was saying something, yet no one words got into my ears. Michelle, the first one came to me and asked if my hands were alright. Within a minutes, Chia Venn approached me and asked me the same question. Sooner, Hanis, my housemate who made me a birthday card during my b'day, did the same thing.[I was touched..I really did.]
Later, my palms were still burning. I mean, they are BURNING. It was, painful. Here came the the stern-looking lab assistant. Gingerly and slowly, she applied some medicine on my burning palms. I started to weep. [Glad that i was inside the 'preparatory room'] It wasn't about the pain. I simply felt touched by her. To me, she was a complete stranger; and this so-called stranger took care of my wound with utmost care, as if I was her little sister. "Don't cry..." I remember how soft her whisper was, and how sincere it was...that it touched my heart.
Within two minutes I calmed myself down. Reluctant to let my friends see my weeping look, I put on the 'everything-is-alright" mask[a mask which I have been wearing all these while] and carried on...
It costed me RM6 for breaking the beaker. In other words, I bought something else with this RM6. Had I not broken the beaker, I would not have seen the who are the real friends that I've got.
Chia Venn, a friend who I thought I've lost when she got together with Beng, has always been there for me when REAL troubles come. About two months ago, she was also the only one who consoled me. In fact, she was the only one who saw me through when that happened.
Hanis, my housemate+classmate. Besides making me a birthday card, she helped me to wash chicken when I first cooked in student house. She helped me to remove the 'fat' as it is unhealthy to consume "chicken's fat". Although there has been little conversations/interaction, she seems to be ready to help whenever I needed one. How nice of her...
Thanks a lot. I appreciate them. Thanks.
Twenty-four
What makes it so hard for us to talk to each other? How to break the emotional war?(or wall?)
Talking is inevitable. It must have been the most astonishing skill bestowed upon the people by the God, right after the ability to think. Yet, meanwhile, it must have been the toughest art of life that one needs to master, too. The greatest gift is the hardest ones to be truly appreciated. People don't seem to find pleasure in talking to each other. I attribute the matter concerned to the lack of faith which people put on each other, the unspoken conflicts which live silently in one's heart, and the clashes of opinions between the subjects.
First and foremost, the lack of faith. Enlighten me, if there's any, how is it possible for one to talk to a person whom you do not have faith in? In other words, it is simply implausible for a person to talk to someone who he does not believe in. Be it worrying that this person whom you talk to might breach his promise by leaking the source out or whatsoever, you simply don't feel like talking to this person anymore. You just don't feel good, to talk to him. An invisible barrier forms, you acknowledge its presence but you'll choose to ignore it, perhaps for the most practical reason-to avoid confrontation, or for the most ridiculous reason-to maintain your "friendship". The frequency of talking will thus reduce, gradually yet significantly, and then you come to a point where you find no point of talking to this person anymore.
The clashes of opinions, as shown in the movie "A thousand years of good prayers", the father and the daughter find it hard to communicate due to the disparities in perceptions and viewpoints. It is shown that the father did try to fill the pause with some chatters while having dinner with the daughter yet his struggle is proved to be futile. Bicker occurs when the father condemn the daughter for being rude by asking 'direct' question whereas the daughter regards his father criticism as obsolete and doesn't make sense. Two persons with completely different insights and believes, if were to talk to each other, will probably end up with quarrels and dissatisfaction. That's why it is so hard for us to talk, when it comes to the not-so-right person, and the bloody truth is that it is not easy to get the feel-so-right person in our life.
Lastly, it is hard to talk, when there are uneasy feelings bottling up in one's heart. It certainly is not something you can tell, without taking a second thought, of all the possible consequences which would happen, if you touched the most sensitive topic, as if the heat receptors in our skin being stimulated by temperature, which will then set out a chain of reaction within the nervous system and react by giving RESPONSE at last. For instance, in the movie, when the father finally talks about his past, yet the conversation[the monologue] does not sustain in a face-to-face manner but instead being "shielded" by a wall. It is the response which we are fear for, constantly. In short, we, human beings, sometimes, have the congenital tendency of eluding things we feel uncomfortable with. Confrontation, precisely.
How to break the emotional war?[Pragmatically, it is unattainable.] In order to break the emotional war, correct prescription should be given by addressing and dissolving the causes of the war. Surprisingly, talking is the only way which would probably work effectively to surmount the matter concerned. Emotion is not something that should be kept inside, it will only linger and evolve over time. Release one's emotions, be more open-minded to talk to each other...
Talking is a serious business. We talk all the time. But, how many of us are actually 'talking' to the people around us?So, open up one's mind and heart, and talk.
Talking is inevitable. It must have been the most astonishing skill bestowed upon the people by the God, right after the ability to think. Yet, meanwhile, it must have been the toughest art of life that one needs to master, too. The greatest gift is the hardest ones to be truly appreciated. People don't seem to find pleasure in talking to each other. I attribute the matter concerned to the lack of faith which people put on each other, the unspoken conflicts which live silently in one's heart, and the clashes of opinions between the subjects.
First and foremost, the lack of faith. Enlighten me, if there's any, how is it possible for one to talk to a person whom you do not have faith in? In other words, it is simply implausible for a person to talk to someone who he does not believe in. Be it worrying that this person whom you talk to might breach his promise by leaking the source out or whatsoever, you simply don't feel like talking to this person anymore. You just don't feel good, to talk to him. An invisible barrier forms, you acknowledge its presence but you'll choose to ignore it, perhaps for the most practical reason-to avoid confrontation, or for the most ridiculous reason-to maintain your "friendship". The frequency of talking will thus reduce, gradually yet significantly, and then you come to a point where you find no point of talking to this person anymore.
The clashes of opinions, as shown in the movie "A thousand years of good prayers", the father and the daughter find it hard to communicate due to the disparities in perceptions and viewpoints. It is shown that the father did try to fill the pause with some chatters while having dinner with the daughter yet his struggle is proved to be futile. Bicker occurs when the father condemn the daughter for being rude by asking 'direct' question whereas the daughter regards his father criticism as obsolete and doesn't make sense. Two persons with completely different insights and believes, if were to talk to each other, will probably end up with quarrels and dissatisfaction. That's why it is so hard for us to talk, when it comes to the not-so-right person, and the bloody truth is that it is not easy to get the feel-so-right person in our life.
Lastly, it is hard to talk, when there are uneasy feelings bottling up in one's heart. It certainly is not something you can tell, without taking a second thought, of all the possible consequences which would happen, if you touched the most sensitive topic, as if the heat receptors in our skin being stimulated by temperature, which will then set out a chain of reaction within the nervous system and react by giving RESPONSE at last. For instance, in the movie, when the father finally talks about his past, yet the conversation[the monologue] does not sustain in a face-to-face manner but instead being "shielded" by a wall. It is the response which we are fear for, constantly. In short, we, human beings, sometimes, have the congenital tendency of eluding things we feel uncomfortable with. Confrontation, precisely.
How to break the emotional war?[Pragmatically, it is unattainable.] In order to break the emotional war, correct prescription should be given by addressing and dissolving the causes of the war. Surprisingly, talking is the only way which would probably work effectively to surmount the matter concerned. Emotion is not something that should be kept inside, it will only linger and evolve over time. Release one's emotions, be more open-minded to talk to each other...
Talking is a serious business. We talk all the time. But, how many of us are actually 'talking' to the people around us?So, open up one's mind and heart, and talk.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Twenty-three
Sarah came to our room just now.
"Wow, your room is very nice."
"Yeah, we sleep together." [Big grin]
Indeed, indisputably and irrevocably, I am deeply in love with our room. What's about our room? Believe it or not, it's the bond that makes it feels so homely. Yes, the invisible yet unbreakable bond amongst us.
As my memory drifts back to the IELTS era, the room is nothing more than a hostel for me. Four beds placed closely to the corners of the room, respectively. Study desks were set next to each other. It looked so 'academic' as I used to call it my personal study room.
Unconsciously, it has been one year since we first lived together. Now that we moved our beds right next to each other, which brought us closer together. =p
Hooi Ying, the motherly ones.
Shun Ling, the Dai Ga Jie.
I love our room. I cherish the bond.
"Wow, your room is very nice."
"Yeah, we sleep together." [Big grin]
Indeed, indisputably and irrevocably, I am deeply in love with our room. What's about our room? Believe it or not, it's the bond that makes it feels so homely. Yes, the invisible yet unbreakable bond amongst us.
As my memory drifts back to the IELTS era, the room is nothing more than a hostel for me. Four beds placed closely to the corners of the room, respectively. Study desks were set next to each other. It looked so 'academic' as I used to call it my personal study room.
Unconsciously, it has been one year since we first lived together. Now that we moved our beds right next to each other, which brought us closer together. =p
Hooi Ying, the motherly ones.
- She used to cut apples and pears for us, probably due to the immediate expiration of the fruit. Their appetite is rather weird, for me, as they relished the fruit with a substantial amount of salt put on it.
- Her fingernails are her arteries. She can't survive without them. She could feel awufully upset if she 'miscut' a picometer of them.
- She turns very scary when she studies. It is as if her body, her mind, and her soul have been possessed by some kind of 'spirit' when she plays her study mode.
- She is very soft-spoken.
- Narcissism level: 9.6/10.
- We sleep together but we do not share the same dream.
- She is like a machine. Four hours of sleep is enough for her to study industriously for a straight-four or more hour. She never seem to feel exhausted. Her eyes are wide opened while mine has already set into the slumber mode automatically.
- She talks lame jokes. Seriously. You can't differentiate between a normal statement and her 'suppose-to-be-funny' joke.
- She has purchased an effective Elephant Glue and she is madly in love with it.
- Level of abstraction: 9.8/10. - She asked the same question thrice within 30 minutes. Generally, we can conclude that she lost her memory after every 10 minutes, given that she is STUDYING.
- She is died when she sleeps. She hears no alarm, no calling, nothing. Dai Ga Jie used to be the one who had to wake up early in the morning just to turn off her clock alarm which was right beside chia venn yet she heard nothing.
- Her sleeping coverage is 'beyond boarder'. Even Dai Ga Jie has to make space for her.
Shun Ling, the Dai Ga Jie.
- Narcissism[10/10], her strongest human trait. If she happens to become a vampire, she'll definitely carry a mirror with her wherever she goes.
- Dai Ga Jie, sounds great huh? Honestly, she is just like any typical girls who are afraid of ghost tales. She told us to shut up before we get started.
- Love to look into the mirror and smile when she puts on hairband or cap or whatsoever...A girl who smiles at the mirror. [^v^][^v^]
- Oscar's top nominee. People foresee her as the winner for Oscar with a variety of her productions... She is indeed a multi-talented artist. Her voice is beautiful. Her acting skill is undeniably pro. Last but not least, her unforgettable Indian Dance.
- She is more like a KLite than I do. She knows every road from Bandar Utama to SS2 to Damansara up to blah blah blah...places which I didn't even aware of their existence had Shun Ling not told me.
- An once in a lifetime roommate. I could never meet anyone as nice as her. I find her affable to talk to. [^v^]
I love our room. I cherish the bond.
Friday, July 10, 2009
22
You lift my feet off the ground,
You spin me around,
You make me crazier,crazier
Feels like I'm fallin,
And I'm, lost in your eyes,
You make me crazier, crazier, crazier...
Crazier...I'm crazier about YOU.
Darn it.
You spin me around,
You make me crazier,crazier
Feels like I'm fallin,
And I'm, lost in your eyes,
You make me crazier, crazier, crazier...
Crazier...I'm crazier about YOU.
Darn it.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Twenty-one
As known by all and sundry, we had a celebration for Ainin in conjunction with her 19-year-old birthday. The following are some of the preview of which had happened about 1 month before her birthday:
- Few weeks before her big day, she had already drawn out the map diagram for one of her most anticipated days in 2009. She started showing Hooi Ying her past year birthday greeting sms-es...[Sweat..] See how excited her was over her own birthday?
- She was the birthday party planner.
- She had chosen her own birthday present, which was a skirt sold at the price of RM99 ,in which case she shared the present with nine of us by paying half of the price.[Gosh, she saved the world! She saved my bleeding purse!]
- She decided on the menu for the dinner [Chicken, potatoes, pizza, and even the TYPE OF ICE for the drinks. Also the TYPE OF CUPS to be served to her guests].
- She was the chief as well. She prepared the chicken, the cheese potato, the strawberries dessert, and last but not least, the ICE.
- The rest of the aunties were in hibernation, still and calm. [See, that is what differentiate between an uncontrollable wild kid and the members of Auntie Association(AA).]
- The dinner was great, even though the atmosphere turned slightly awkward when the only opposite species kept talking while we were dining. [We were relishing the fruit of hard work(after the exhausive preparation) and "silence" isn't necessarily a negative term, right?]
- The game was fun, credit to Hooi Ying.
- Thank you Dai Ga Jie a.k.a Shun Ling for being supportive. Your cooperation was very much appreciated and I hereby guarantee that it would be engraved in our memories for the rest of our lives. Ladies and gentlemen, Shun Ling could be awfully CUTE despite her 'authoritative' demeanour.(^^)
- Hooi Ying is indeed suffering from the ultimate stage of narcissim. This was proven when she could still admire her own looking with her hair being tied up like psycho by the rest of the aunties. No cure is available at the present.
- The only species of his kind had admitted that he is....... Also, those who had opened up their 'heart' ...Hehe...[Don't worry. Those top the committee board of AA would zip their mouths till the end of AUSMAT. It is up to you whether to tell or not to tell.(Evil grin...)]
- Chia Venn's Banana Dance had put all of us into loud guffow. Supposed she was to perform an Indian Dance, which was inspired by the Oscar's nominee-Dai Ga Jie. [Indian actresses dance around a coconut tree; Dai Ga Jie imitated them by moving her pillow left and right with her head(shaking) stays at the middle; Chia Venn shaked only the banana-like pillow[which happened to be Ainin's].
Twenty
One thing I hate about poem
is that it reveals my emotions, brutally.
One thing I hate about You
is the same thing I hate about poem
as you unclothe your sentiment, damn openly,
which I find it hard to bear with, in all honesty.
One thing I hate about myself
is the opposite from what I hate about You
as I conceal my feelings, impeccably,
that sometimes I feel like,
I am a betrayer, a traitor, and a murderer
to my own self.
is that it reveals my emotions, brutally.
One thing I hate about You
is the same thing I hate about poem
as you unclothe your sentiment, damn openly,
which I find it hard to bear with, in all honesty.
One thing I hate about myself
is the opposite from what I hate about You
as I conceal my feelings, impeccably,
that sometimes I feel like,
I am a betrayer, a traitor, and a murderer
to my own self.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Nineteen
Enough.
Imagine keeping a secret that nobody knows.
You will not sell,
because you are not, rumormonger.
Imagine holding a truth that no one believes.
You will not tell,
because you know, it's pointless.
Imagine bearing a pain that none understand.
You will not yell,
because you are different from that bunch of hypocrites,
whose masks you see through,
that their groaning are merely a show.
Could Oscar be appeasing, for these disingenuous plays?
Imagine keeping a secret that nobody knows.
You will not sell,
because you are not, rumormonger.
Imagine holding a truth that no one believes.
You will not tell,
because you know, it's pointless.
Imagine bearing a pain that none understand.
You will not yell,
because you are different from that bunch of hypocrites,
whose masks you see through,
that their groaning are merely a show.
Could Oscar be appeasing, for these disingenuous plays?
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Eighteen
Life has been frustrating. Life as a student like me.
I did not reply when people asked me how was the exam. I simply don't want to. The lecturers know it well. In short, you may ask the lecturers.
Again and again, public speaking, or I should say, speaking, to be more accurate, is like a constant thorn for me. Sometimes I really hope that I was born dumb, so that I would never need to SPEAK in some language which I am not proficient in. It's like no matter how hard I tried, how much effort I've put in, all that examiners could see is how this student[that is me] floundered like a lost lamb(again) or scrambled for coherency like an imbecile "whose mental acumen is well below par". Maybe I should consult or receive some sort of psychological treatment to curb some kind of silly phobia in me. That was how I felt RIGHT AFTER my EALD ORAL TEST.
And then, there came the big day. It was EALD paper on the first day. I became numb when Hooi Ying and Ainin talked about the second essay. I had only written ONE essay. If I stayed in a single room, I would have wept convulsively for the whole day. Thank God I have THREE roommates and that their existence had put my 'crying plan' in vain. There's no use crying over spilt milk, huh? I moved on and I did my past year papers for App. Maths and Chemistry, studied till the dawn for Physics and last but not least, I gave all that I could to understand Econs.
What's worse is that people DO NOT BELIEVE IN what I say. If I were given a chance to talk in the public, to talk about anything I meant, I would tell everybody how wrong their evaluation is about me, how ludicrous it is to think that I am good, and how exhausting it is to keep everything to myself simply because you guys will say "Nah, you're good" or "I'm 10 times worse than you". I'm extremely sick of those replies. They sound damn fake. How old are you? Be real please.
My primary teacher used to tell me that Rome was not build in one day. Yet, I wonder if I had enough time to pave my path. It's never too late to mend, huh? Nah, that sentence is only applicable for SPM or STPM or in one's LIFE but not AUSMAT which takes a student's on-going performance so seriously. My roommates (Hooi Ying and Shun Ling) who studied only when it was close to the exam managed to answer the papers but my condition was 180' of out phase compared with theirs. Should I attribute this to my congenital lack-of-intelligence or the very way I study over the years?
Life is short, AUSMAT is shorter.
This post is not subjected to any particular parties.
It's simply a cathartic entry.
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