Nineteen

Enough.

Imagine keeping a secret that nobody knows.
You will not sell,
because you are not, rumormonger.

Imagine holding a truth that no one believes.
You will not tell,
because you know, it's pointless.

Imagine bearing a pain that none understand.
You will not yell,
because you are different from that bunch of hypocrites,
whose masks you see through,
that their groaning are merely a show.

Could Oscar be appeasing, for these disingenuous plays?

Eighteen

Life has been frustrating. Life as a student like me.

I did not reply when people asked me how was the exam. I simply don't want to. The lecturers know it well. In short, you may ask the lecturers.

Again and again, public speaking, or I should say, speaking, to be more accurate, is like a constant thorn for me. Sometimes I really hope that I was born dumb, so that I would never need to SPEAK in some language which I am not proficient in. It's like no matter how hard I tried, how much effort I've put in, all that examiners could see is how this student[that is me] floundered like a lost lamb(again) or scrambled for coherency like an imbecile "whose mental acumen is well below par". Maybe I should consult or receive some sort of psychological treatment to curb some kind of silly phobia in me. That was how I felt RIGHT AFTER my EALD ORAL TEST.

And then, there came the big day. It was EALD paper on the first day. I became numb when Hooi Ying and Ainin talked about the second essay. I had only written ONE essay. If I stayed in a single room, I would have wept convulsively for the whole day. Thank God I have THREE roommates and that their existence had put my 'crying plan' in vain. There's no use crying over spilt milk, huh? I moved on and I did my past year papers for App. Maths and Chemistry, studied till the dawn for Physics and last but not least, I gave all that I could to understand Econs.

What's worse is that people DO NOT BELIEVE IN what I say. If I were given a chance to talk in the public, to talk about anything I meant, I would tell everybody how wrong their evaluation is about me, how ludicrous it is to think that I am good, and how exhausting it is to keep everything to myself simply because you guys will say "Nah, you're good" or "I'm 10 times worse than you". I'm extremely sick of those replies. They sound damn fake. How old are you? Be real please.

My primary teacher used to tell me that Rome was not build in one day. Yet, I wonder if I had enough time to pave my path. It's never too late to mend, huh? Nah, that sentence is only applicable for SPM or STPM or in one's LIFE but not AUSMAT which takes a student's on-going performance so seriously. My roommates (Hooi Ying and Shun Ling) who studied only when it was close to the exam managed to answer the papers but my condition was 180' of out phase compared with theirs. Should I attribute this to my congenital lack-of-intelligence or the very way I study over the years?

Life is short, AUSMAT is shorter.

This post is not subjected to any particular parties.
It's simply a cathartic entry.