I have been dispelled. =)
It has been six years.
2003: I asked "WHY ME?" like any other patients. I was like an outcast. I was, abnormal. I felt disgruntled. I hate the brace. It was a very hard..plastic, and till today, I'll still admire my ability to put it on for 23x7.
2004: I loathed hospital. I saw how vulnerable human beings could be. I saw other teenagers who were just like me.I realized that I wasn't alone. I felt envious when I saw my friends wearing beautiful/fashionable clothes. With the brace on, T-shirts were my only choice. The only option to prevent people from seeing it, so that I could look 'normal' like any other girls.
2005: It was the turning point of my life as I met someone who influenced me the most. I still hated going to hospital. I made a new brace. I consoled an eleven-year-old girl when I met her in the brace-making shop. I wish she is not crying anymore.
2006 & 2007:
Going for appointments was like watching football once in a while. I could recognize almost every doctor there. As usual, I sat quietly beside my mom. I did not smile. Nor would I talk whenever I was there in the hospital. I felt sour and I looked sour as well. Again, I saw them. I felt sympathy for them. That was why I wished I could become a doctor.
2008:
I was told to take off my brace and to come back after one year. I threw the brace aside and felt my bed at last. It was so soft, so comfortable...
Yesterday:
I held my head up and talked to the doctor for the first time since 2003. I don't hate hospital anymore. I walked around as if I were in my school. It was also the first time I went into the X-ray room without my mom. I felt familiar with that place even though I hadn't been there for one year. They kicked me out and he said he doesn't want to see me anymore. He said I should be safe now. It would not exacerbate, not anymore. I left, without looking back.
I am officially free now.
*I'm really naked this time. I had tried so hard to keep these under the carpet. OK.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Sixteen
As I plonked myself down and let my eyes ran wild around the room, the sense of helplessness was overwhelmed. The snoring and constant coughing were unbearable. It wasn't me producing all those noises. [They were suffering, I know.] The pain in my left wrist enraged me further. It was already 3 in the morning and I was forced to eat cookies[instructed by the nurse] as my blood sugar level was below average. I lied down, and flipped through the memories. The latest software which I had just downloaded in my local disk B and there I saw...
Some might think that it doesn't worth it as it is like I paid RM200 to fail my econ[I had no idea how to do the data interpretation] besides getting a few kisses from the ever-dangerous creature of God. I did feel frustrated when I think of the former. I did expect leeches but not snake. I could have dead if it was poisonous.
That night, I closed my eyes with a smile on my face. The only thing was that, they were very worried and I felt guilty for that. Still, never once had I felt regret. Because, I'm still breathing, at least.
- how I felt when I first reached our camping site-I was elated
- how I first climbed up the double-decker bed
- how I then regretted for choosing the upper bed as there were INSECTS on my bed when I wanted to sleep
- the oddest rules in RESORT which instructed its guests to wash their own plates after meals
- how a brunch of students were compelled to play in the rain with their eyes folded by scarfs
- how Franky looked like when he pointed his finger at Chan struggling to recall Chan's nick during the card game
- how we laughed our heads off at the first night and studied econs with the companion of 'wild lives'
- how Ms Chan demonstrated the way to do aerobic in the early morning [the second day]
- the way we were in the jungle, and how KCV helped her boyfriend to get through those 'obstacles'
- Senior Nor Zafry sharing his experience in Australia with us and meanwhile some of us had already 'gone' to Australia by just closing our eyes
- how we were being misled to cross the suspension bridge believing that FLYING FOX would be waiting for us on the other end
- jumped into the pool and had fun as if on-going assessment never existed[friends, lecturers, 'colour fox'...]
- how the l o n g-anticipated BBQ and camp fire turned out to be 'economic buffet' ,
- the extravaganza of the night: greatest performance ever![Special "WOW" for Mud's twinkle-star remix, Fad's silat and the 'adrenaline-overdosed' by the last gay partners]
- the explore race which was indisputably fun, thrilling, energy-consuming, and laudable!
Some might think that it doesn't worth it as it is like I paid RM200 to fail my econ[I had no idea how to do the data interpretation] besides getting a few kisses from the ever-dangerous creature of God. I did feel frustrated when I think of the former. I did expect leeches but not snake. I could have dead if it was poisonous.
To sum up, RM200=Failing econ + Snake bite.
Yet, RM200 also equals to
Experience+Once in a lifetime+Friendship+Ever-lasting memories+P&C..
That night, I closed my eyes with a smile on my face. The only thing was that, they were very worried and I felt guilty for that. Still, never once had I felt regret. Because, I'm still breathing, at least.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Fifteen
Sorry guys. I have been in 'idea drought' for days. So, I'm going to pose something really 'personal' this time.
First of all, I would like to express my deepest gratitude to all my fellow friends who had attended my Annual Promotion Ceremony. With the grace of God and your support, thankfully, I am now eligible to join the Aunties Association, in which the committee is comprised of Hooi Ying, Shun Ling and Jae Von [so far]. I thanked so much for what you've done, notwithstanding the redundant 'hidding part' which proved to be utterly futile. Anyway, it's OK because Ainin got very excited for what she had done and it was really cool to see her with a big sincere wide smile on her face while everybody was in dire need of sleep. [Kids never get tired, right?] One thing impressed me the most was their objectives in selecting the Cake of the Day-First, the flattest surface for 'convenient-writting' on it; second, the simplest structure for 'easy-cutting' of it.
So, as a new member, I have to brush up on my gossiping skill before the recruitment for another 'fresh aunty' which will be coming in June. [Yeah, more aunties will be coming up next.] Besides, I wish I could gain weight as soon as possible in order to maintain the stereotype of a typical aunty. Aunt J would be my weight-gaining partner for this. Lastly, I've registered for the narcissism course organised by the association vice-president, Aunt Shun, as to build up my level of confidence.
At night, my friends back home came to congratulate my promotion. One slice of my favourite CheeseChoc, a pack of self-made cheese tarts, the ladybird+zebra-like jacket, filled my night with love, again. Of course, I would never forget how the two of them, wholeheartedly, sang the theme song out loud at the park in the middle of night, as if there were ten singing it.
That night, I looked up to the cloudless sky and I felt replete with love. I saw stars in the sky. They were dead, yet they looked beautiful. I think that's what I should live with.
I'm 19.
First of all, I would like to express my deepest gratitude to all my fellow friends who had attended my Annual Promotion Ceremony. With the grace of God and your support, thankfully, I am now eligible to join the Aunties Association, in which the committee is comprised of Hooi Ying, Shun Ling and Jae Von [so far]. I thanked so much for what you've done, notwithstanding the redundant 'hidding part' which proved to be utterly futile. Anyway, it's OK because Ainin got very excited for what she had done and it was really cool to see her with a big sincere wide smile on her face while everybody was in dire need of sleep. [Kids never get tired, right?] One thing impressed me the most was their objectives in selecting the Cake of the Day-First, the flattest surface for 'convenient-writting' on it; second, the simplest structure for 'easy-cutting' of it.
So, as a new member, I have to brush up on my gossiping skill before the recruitment for another 'fresh aunty' which will be coming in June. [Yeah, more aunties will be coming up next.] Besides, I wish I could gain weight as soon as possible in order to maintain the stereotype of a typical aunty. Aunt J would be my weight-gaining partner for this. Lastly, I've registered for the narcissism course organised by the association vice-president, Aunt Shun, as to build up my level of confidence.
At night, my friends back home came to congratulate my promotion. One slice of my favourite CheeseChoc, a pack of self-made cheese tarts, the ladybird+zebra-like jacket, filled my night with love, again. Of course, I would never forget how the two of them, wholeheartedly, sang the theme song out loud at the park in the middle of night, as if there were ten singing it.
That night, I looked up to the cloudless sky and I felt replete with love. I saw stars in the sky. They were dead, yet they looked beautiful. I think that's what I should live with.
I'm 19.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Fourteen
So, I was drowned in the tsunami disaster. Badly injured as I am, I ran to the computer lab, to get in touch with the computer, which could probably ease my anguish.
I was lucky as I got an pretty simple question. I was given sufficient time to get myself prepared, to take a DEEP breathe or whatsoever self-calming methods and YET...I talked as if I have never learned English before. I'm not even comparative to a kindergarten child! I'm pretty sure that it wasn't my nervousness that caused me floundered like a lost lamb. It IS my ICU level of ENGLISH. Fish is to swim as bird is to fly while I'm just akin to a bird trying to swim in the water. I've learned the method to swim but to master the skill, a lifetime would presumably not enough.
Sometimes, I just feel like banging my head against the wall. Again, I'm like the frog under the well. Only when I jumped out from my happy little world that I realized how important English is. So, basically, if I were to look into a mirror which reflects a person's real image, I would probably see a combination of a frog head[which contain a frog's brain] joined to a bird's body without wings with a fish tail attached. OK.
English language. Without fail, it douses the slowly igniting fire in me and shatters every single hope that I thrive so hard to hold on. I had once felt that "how great would it be to be a 'banana'". But not now. Not anymore.
Perhaps I should have gone to China or Taiwan. Better still, stay in Malaysia.
Because, I feel like an outcast here. Somewhere I doesn't belong to.
No matter how hard I tried to fit in the society.
Although I had prepared for days, it came faster than what I've expected. The wave was gentle and mild, though.I just don't know how to swim when I am IN the water.So, I was drowned in the tsunami disaster. Badly injured as I am, I ran to the computer lab, to get in touch with the computer, which could probably ease my anguish.
I was lucky as I got an pretty simple question. I was given sufficient time to get myself prepared, to take a DEEP breathe or whatsoever self-calming methods and YET...I talked as if I have never learned English before. I'm not even comparative to a kindergarten child! I'm pretty sure that it wasn't my nervousness that caused me floundered like a lost lamb. It IS my ICU level of ENGLISH. Fish is to swim as bird is to fly while I'm just akin to a bird trying to swim in the water. I've learned the method to swim but to master the skill, a lifetime would presumably not enough.
Sometimes, I just feel like banging my head against the wall. Again, I'm like the frog under the well. Only when I jumped out from my happy little world that I realized how important English is. So, basically, if I were to look into a mirror which reflects a person's real image, I would probably see a combination of a frog head[which contain a frog's brain] joined to a bird's body without wings with a fish tail attached. OK.
English language. Without fail, it douses the slowly igniting fire in me and shatters every single hope that I thrive so hard to hold on. I had once felt that "how great would it be to be a 'banana'". But not now. Not anymore.
Perhaps I should have gone to China or Taiwan. Better still, stay in Malaysia.
Because, I feel like an outcast here. Somewhere I doesn't belong to.
No matter how hard I tried to fit in the society.
Although I had prepared for days, it came faster than what I've expected. The wave was gentle and mild, though.I just don't know how to swim when I am IN the water.So, I was drowned in the tsunami disaster. Badly injured as I am, I ran to the computer lab, to get in touch with the computer, which could probably ease my anguish.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Thirteen
The "anticipated tsunami" called off its initial plan to hit the AUSMAT Island this week and deferred its invasion for seven days. Indisputably, this alleviated most of the residents' suffering and allowed some time for them to live their own lives. [Hang out with friends instead of the BOOKS] Therefore, I decided I should post something tastes sweet this week in conjuction with the theme of the week- Honey Week.
Out of all the movie stars whom I admire, this entry will limit itself to the top threes in my list, namely, Johnny Depp, Nicolas Cage, and Jet Li.[The sequence/position of naming does not represents my level of admiration on them as it is well-nigh equally distributed.] To talk about their outstanding acting skills is as much use as a chocolate fire-guard as every human beings with BRAIN and EYES knows how professional and marvelous they are.
Johnny Depp. My friends who are the big fans of The Pirates of The Carribean bought me to him. With brutal honest, I felt a strong disgust towards him when I first looked at the poster of the movie. However, he managed to grab my heart within three hours in the dark cold room with his play as Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Carribean 3: At World's End. I then borrowed the previous two pirates movies from my friends. In fact, I have a poster of his Captain Jack Sparrow in my room! I used to look into his eyes before I sleep and fantasized myself as his lover in his adventure as a pirate! That's silly huh... Besides that, his Sweeney Todd tragic ending[He killed his own wife as he didn't recognize her and later died hugging his wife's dead body in his arms] broke my heart despite the fact that he murdered tonnes of innocent people. Johnny Depp is indeed successful in manipulating my emotion with his brilliant acting skill.
Next, Nicolas Cage. He is seven years younger than my dad but he LOOKS ten years older than the latter. So, I first came across his name by watching the movie Ghost Rider. Again, I felt like walking out from the cinema when the charming young guy became an ugly old man [the ghost rider who is in his middle-age]who was played by Nicolas Cage. Then again, I fell for him after watching the movie and keep up with his latest plays such as Next, Bangkok Dangerous and Knowing!!!! Similarly, his play as Joe in Bangkok Dangerous wrecked my heart as well as he died in the end of the movie. Joe is a professional killer and he is paid to kill, with no mercy. However, he loses his creepily detached demeanor when he met her[a pharmacist who is dumb and deaf] and that's when the chinks begin to appear in his armour and eventually leads to his death, as a good guy at least.
Lastly, Jet Li. I became obsessed with him after I watched Danny the Dog[Unleashed]few months ago. I'm partial of his innocence in the movie. I wonder how on earth could such a person exist? He is handsome and he knows kung-fu! He has a big love for the world that he set up the One Foundation to help on the underprivileged and the unfortunate ones. Jet Li is the real hero!!!
As a whole, I like them. Til then.
Out of all the movie stars whom I admire, this entry will limit itself to the top threes in my list, namely, Johnny Depp, Nicolas Cage, and Jet Li.[The sequence/position of naming does not represents my level of admiration on them as it is well-nigh equally distributed.] To talk about their outstanding acting skills is as much use as a chocolate fire-guard as every human beings with BRAIN and EYES knows how professional and marvelous they are.
Johnny Depp. My friends who are the big fans of The Pirates of The Carribean bought me to him. With brutal honest, I felt a strong disgust towards him when I first looked at the poster of the movie. However, he managed to grab my heart within three hours in the dark cold room with his play as Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Carribean 3: At World's End. I then borrowed the previous two pirates movies from my friends. In fact, I have a poster of his Captain Jack Sparrow in my room! I used to look into his eyes before I sleep and fantasized myself as his lover in his adventure as a pirate! That's silly huh... Besides that, his Sweeney Todd tragic ending[He killed his own wife as he didn't recognize her and later died hugging his wife's dead body in his arms] broke my heart despite the fact that he murdered tonnes of innocent people. Johnny Depp is indeed successful in manipulating my emotion with his brilliant acting skill.
Next, Nicolas Cage. He is seven years younger than my dad but he LOOKS ten years older than the latter. So, I first came across his name by watching the movie Ghost Rider. Again, I felt like walking out from the cinema when the charming young guy became an ugly old man [the ghost rider who is in his middle-age]who was played by Nicolas Cage. Then again, I fell for him after watching the movie and keep up with his latest plays such as Next, Bangkok Dangerous and Knowing!!!! Similarly, his play as Joe in Bangkok Dangerous wrecked my heart as well as he died in the end of the movie. Joe is a professional killer and he is paid to kill, with no mercy. However, he loses his creepily detached demeanor when he met her[a pharmacist who is dumb and deaf] and that's when the chinks begin to appear in his armour and eventually leads to his death, as a good guy at least.
Lastly, Jet Li. I became obsessed with him after I watched Danny the Dog[Unleashed]few months ago. I'm partial of his innocence in the movie. I wonder how on earth could such a person exist? He is handsome and he knows kung-fu! He has a big love for the world that he set up the One Foundation to help on the underprivileged and the unfortunate ones. Jet Li is the real hero!!!
As a whole, I like them. Til then.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Twelve
If I were given another chance, I would choose the path which could lead me to my dream.
So that I would not feel what I feel now, every time when I put on the lab coat.
When desire appeared to be more appealing than dream, I chose to give up on my lifetime dream, a dream which seemed unattainable and impractical, and here I am, studying together with all of you. It's akin to when you get what you WANT but not what you NEED.
When I came here, I met you all. Most of you, are seriously hanker after your "architect-to-become" dream BUT always, I live in regret for giving up my own dream. How much I wished I had the enthusiasm which is burning in you, saying out loud that "I WANT TO FLY!" or "HERE I COME KANGAROO!". Not to mention my lousy English level which further quenches my little sprouts of hope which bud in my mind in a "fluctuating trend".
"Yesterday is a history; tomorrow is a mystery; and TODAY IS A GIFT. THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED "PRESENT"." quoted from the Turtle in Kung Fu Panda.
Till then.
So that I would not feel what I feel now, every time when I put on the lab coat.
When desire appeared to be more appealing than dream, I chose to give up on my lifetime dream, a dream which seemed unattainable and impractical, and here I am, studying together with all of you. It's akin to when you get what you WANT but not what you NEED.
When I came here, I met you all. Most of you, are seriously hanker after your "architect-to-become" dream BUT always, I live in regret for giving up my own dream. How much I wished I had the enthusiasm which is burning in you, saying out loud that "I WANT TO FLY!" or "HERE I COME KANGAROO!". Not to mention my lousy English level which further quenches my little sprouts of hope which bud in my mind in a "fluctuating trend".
"Yesterday is a history; tomorrow is a mystery; and TODAY IS A GIFT. THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED "PRESENT"." quoted from the Turtle in Kung Fu Panda.
Till then.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Eleven
There's a pent-up frustration. Nothing's fine.
Blogging has become an onerous task for me. It's like the often I post something in this blog, the more dangerous I will be. Letting the public [I mean, everybody] to read my blog makes me feel naked. People know what I'm thinking and how do I feel. They know it through the tones which have been reflected by my words. This paragraph itself, for instance, has revealed a part of my thoughts.
No matter what, an order is still an order.
It's Prom Night. Although KCV is the only one who is going for the PROM, our [me, dai ga jie, hooi ying & kcv's] room has turned into a mess as if there has been a war, The Third World War. For your info, Hooi Ying is a dab hand at making 'marvelous' hairstyle while makeup has been Shun Ling's forte. Besides kcv, even Poh Hui [who probably could afford the professional hairstyle-making and makeup which costs rm100+] came to our room to get the FREE services! See, this shows that the consumers believe in us!There are DEMANDS!!! In fact, our skills and services are up to par! Other than the two professional stylists, we hire two assistants who are indisputably sweet and friendly!!! Both of them are indeed GOOD helpers as in passing pins to the hairstylist, providing mirrors plus contributing ideas and comments! Most importantly, it is FREE AND QUALITY-ASSURED!
Furthermore, there are extra services available. For example, transportation [private cars with DRIVER inserted] which could fetch you from where you are to your destination. Here, you can choose between Proton Kancil and Produa Kelisa. By the way, it's also up to you if you were more interested in selecting the types of driver:
A) The one with mature look but inept driving skill [Shun Ling the stylist]
B) The one looks/sounds underaged yet with 'considered-to-be-steady' driving skill [Ainin the helper]
Also, clothes/accessories/whatsoever that you needed are free to be lended with NO INTEREST RATES NOR HIDDEN CHARGES!!! Last but not least, you can enjoy a 'keep-fit' treatment [If you happen to be fresher than me] by running up and down the staircases as our beauty center is located on the second floor!!! Here we are: Room 1, 69, BU6/2! So, what are you waiting for?! Feel free to pay us a visit as we can turn the ordinary into the gorgeous one!!! [or whatever style you wish to be]
End of promoting.
End of today's self-revealing.
Blogging has become an onerous task for me. It's like the often I post something in this blog, the more dangerous I will be. Letting the public [I mean, everybody] to read my blog makes me feel naked. People know what I'm thinking and how do I feel. They know it through the tones which have been reflected by my words. This paragraph itself, for instance, has revealed a part of my thoughts.
No matter what, an order is still an order.
It's Prom Night. Although KCV is the only one who is going for the PROM, our [me, dai ga jie, hooi ying & kcv's] room has turned into a mess as if there has been a war, The Third World War. For your info, Hooi Ying is a dab hand at making 'marvelous' hairstyle while makeup has been Shun Ling's forte. Besides kcv, even Poh Hui [who probably could afford the professional hairstyle-making and makeup which costs rm100+] came to our room to get the FREE services! See, this shows that the consumers believe in us!There are DEMANDS!!! In fact, our skills and services are up to par! Other than the two professional stylists, we hire two assistants who are indisputably sweet and friendly!!! Both of them are indeed GOOD helpers as in passing pins to the hairstylist, providing mirrors plus contributing ideas and comments! Most importantly, it is FREE AND QUALITY-ASSURED!
Furthermore, there are extra services available. For example, transportation [private cars with DRIVER inserted] which could fetch you from where you are to your destination. Here, you can choose between Proton Kancil and Produa Kelisa. By the way, it's also up to you if you were more interested in selecting the types of driver:
A) The one with mature look but inept driving skill [Shun Ling the stylist]
B) The one looks/sounds underaged yet with 'considered-to-be-steady' driving skill [Ainin the helper]
Also, clothes/accessories/whatsoever that you needed are free to be lended with NO INTEREST RATES NOR HIDDEN CHARGES!!! Last but not least, you can enjoy a 'keep-fit' treatment [If you happen to be fresher than me] by running up and down the staircases as our beauty center is located on the second floor!!! Here we are: Room 1, 69, BU6/2! So, what are you waiting for?! Feel free to pay us a visit as we can turn the ordinary into the gorgeous one!!! [or whatever style you wish to be]
End of promoting.
End of today's self-revealing.
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