Study Log 9245

37

2009-12-15T06:13:00.000-08:00

"God grant me
the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage
to change the things I can
and the Wisdom
to know the difference."

I read this from Mr. Derick's blog and somehow it sounds...meaningful.
I like the Serenity part.

Come clean

2009-12-11T04:30:00.000-08:00

Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned

'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no life
I defy

Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin

'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Than always staying in
Feel the wind

I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming...

Let's go back
Back to the beginning

Yesterday.

2009-12-05T18:07:00.000-08:00

I bought a CD 5 years ago.
It cost only eighty cents.
It keeps all my favorite songs.
Backstreet Boys's.
Unbreakable. You're Beautiful.
Unbreak My Heart(Spanish).
We Belong Together. Almost There.
Wake Me Up When September Ends.
and more.

One day,
I decided to hide it somewhere.
Somewhere I won't be able to find it.
So, I hid it somewhere.
Another day,
I realized that I wanted it back.
So, I ransacked every possible 'somewhere' but, to no avail.
I simply forgot where it was.
I lost this CD forever, just like that.

I was granted a necktie two years ago.
It was a very unique tie.
No one could have possessed it. Not even the richest or smartest man.
I wore it around my neck every day.
It was inspiration.
It was, strength.
I kept it nicely, right beside my pillow.
And I thought this could last forever.

Yesterday, I decided,
to soak it overnight, in a little green bucket.
Today, I saw it in another blue bucket.
Mom washed it. She untied the tie.
And I lost the tie forever, just like that.
Just like that.
The very few things which were exceptionally important for me...
just like that.

Sometimes, it's just hurt to see them gone. As those were the very few things.. the only few things, you left behind. ='(

36

2009-11-23T09:07:00.001-08:00

I spent a day, pondering on what can I say,
or how can I convert those feelings into words,
and arrange them in an appropriate manner,
so that they are in my favourite phrase,
and tell the world how much I loved it.

Heartfelt gratitude, I would like to extend,
to the ever energetic Ms Say,
who made Physics a little bit less complicated for me;
to the 'more-like-a-sister' Ms Effa,
who never scolded me for being slow no matter how long I took to figure things out;
to the ever-wanted Chem. lecturer Ms Jacklyn,
for making things clear for me although she looked fierce;
to the ever fatherly Mr Wong,
who broadened my horizons even though I'd still doze off during Econ classes;
and lastly to the ever sentimental Mr Derick,
for all the approaches he had taken,
and all the encouragement, throughout the course.

Here comes the toughest part.
I adore you. I cherish you. I appreciate you.
My classmates, my housemates, my neighbours,
and you you you you you and you you you you you...

Like I said, it's just as difficult as oral test. It's like you have so much to tell but there's nothing you can say.

If I were to build an ark, I bet it would be a ship.
Too bad that it couldn't be the Flying Dutchman,
and that farewell is inevitable.
But then I'd stay in this ship, and may life be great for you,
all of you.

that much.

2009-11-22T07:38:00.000-08:00

Do you know?

You were once so annoying.
I loathed your whistle.
It was disturbing. Unbearable.

How I missed those days,
when you were only a friend of mine.

It could be your fault,
for not dumping me when you were deemed to
but to hold me tight and kept me felt secure,
when I was about to fall.

It should be your fault,
for arriving coll. at that particular time,
and created the so-called coincidence for me to meet you,
when I was heading to classes.

It must be your fault,
for letting my glance to meet your eyes,
and smiled the heart-gripping smile,
when I started to think more of you.

And it was your fault,
for unveiling the secret and confronted me with the pathetic truth,
which then left me with nothing else, but to succumb to your authority.

It was an unscrupulous trade.
As I stood naked in front of you,
while you were heavily armoured.

And now I miss your whistle. And that you are somehow different. And I awfully dreadfully seriously hate you, for knowing how much you meant for me, and exploited the power you've got, to manipulate and got me surrendered, meanwhile pretended like you're sorry.

This sounds like a psycho.
You wouldn't know how great it felt,
to be able scrutinize your features,
that openly.

That pair of eyes, which are so 'sepet-like' yet captivating;
[even with your specs on]
your favourite hairstyle,
which matches so perfectly with your striking face.

Also, you sounded great when you said this.
"It's chemical. You should wash your hands."

But, that doesn't matter anymore.

And that you're leaving soon. I could neither hear nor see you anymore.
But I know that I'll miss you less frequent, as time passes.
And I know what’s best for this mess. As you wish.

Take care.

I don't care what you think, nor would I give a damn about them. All I ever wanted is to write you a post, right at this very moment when you occupy my mind. And this denotes the end of your existence. As if you, never existed.

35

2009-09-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

Holidays are cool.

1. What have you been doing recently?

Facebook-ing, Digg-ing... Things normal people do during holidays.

2. Do you ever turn your handphone off?

I think so..Btw, where's my handphone?

3. What happened at 10am today?

Sleeping with my bear bear.

4. When did you last cry?

Last week.

5. Believe in Fate/Destiny?

Yeah.

6. What do you want in life now?

What do I want now? Chocolates, I think.

7. Do you carry an umbrella when it rains or put up your hood?

Nope. I use books instead.

8. What are the nicest things in your inbox?

Email or sms? Anything from Neutral I guess. =P

9. Do you tend to make relationships complicated?

People say I do.

10. Are you wearing anything borrowed from anyone?

Nope.

11. What was the last movie you caught?

Orphan.

12. What are you proud of?

Nothing.

13. What does the oldest text message in your inbox say and who is it from?

Wait, I think I lose my handphone..get back to you later.

14. What was the last song you sang out loud?

低调

15. Do you have any nicknames?

Not really.. Sa Po?

16. What does the newest text message say and who is it from?

Owh.. it's very long.. from a long lost friend.

17. What time did you sleep last night?

3.02am.

18. Are you currently happy?

Hmm...not really.

19. Who gives you the best advice?

Loong.

20. Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can?

Yuck...

21. Who did you talked to on the phone last night?

Nobody called me.

22. Is something bugging you right now?

Yeah.

23. Who is the last person to make you laugh?

My sister.

24. Do you like yourself?

Most of the time, nope.

25. You want $5 or $10?

What for?

26. Do you think you are stupid sometimes?

Nope. I always am.

27. Who is your best best best friend?

Yi Wen.

28. What will you do if you like that boy?

Nothing..stalk him, probably.

29. Who are your favourite stars?

Johnny Depp, Nicholas Cage, "Edward Cullen", Nicholas Teo...blah blah blah..

30. You hate your mother sometimes in some ways?

Never.

31. Do you had even stead before??

???

32. What type of boy do you like?

What?Type? Erm, probably the hybrid of neutral+durian. =P

33. Now are you single/attached?

Single.

10 people to tag. 10 random names.

1. You Gee

2. Wah Loong

3. Hooi Ying

4.Shun Ling

5. Ainin

6. Chia Venn

7. Ming Chai

8. Yi Wen

9. Zhao Kang

10. Jie Min

1. Would you date number 5?

Sure.

2. Number 2 just got in a car crash. How do you react?

Omg! No!!! Loong, you're going to be fine... You'll be alright.. Yes you will...

3. You see number 9 with your boy/girlfriend. What do you do?

What do they talk about?

4. You come home and and your room has been ransacked by number 4.

Oh dear Dai Ga Jie, what are you looking for?

5. Number 1 is acting weird.

Told ya don't do that... Are you OK?

6. Numbers 3 & 8 decide to give 10 a haircut.

Cool!Make sure he looks taller and thinner please. XP

7. Number 7 just got tickets for him/her and you to go to a concert.

Thanks for the tickets. I'll go with Shun Ling and Ainin...and Hooi Ying. XP

8. Number 10 takes you to a bar.

In my dream..

9. Number 4 has to move to the other side of the world.

Yeah I know.. I'm gonna miss you like hell..Have a great life with your 'piggie' over there! XP

10. You and number 8 are being chased by the cops for an unknown reason.

Berat sama dipikul, ringan sama dijinjing. =)

11. Number 7 and you are sitting on the couch watching a movie when he/her wrap his/her arm around you.

What the... !! Get your hand OFF me NOW or I'm gonna sue you for sexual harrassing underaged girl! XP

12. Number 5 asks you out to dinner.

Let's go!

13. Number 9 and you are sitting on a bus.

Oh, he would probably in full spate then. There'll be no worries of 'communication problem'.

14. Number 6 calls you in the middle of the night because he/she can't sleep.

Wrong number. This number does not belong to Beng.

15. You're walking with someone and number 6 runs up and tackles you to the ground from behind.

Sweat...(v.v|||)

16. Number 1 is crying one day and you ask him/her why and it seems their boy/girlfriend has dumped them.

Everything's gonna be alright. I'm still here.

17. Number 2 offers to bake you a meal. As you sit in the other room, the kitchen is suddenly aflame.

Loong again... Help!!!

18. Number 4 comes to your door one day holding a koala.

Wah, can I touch it? [Next, she'll be looking into the mirror and then smile, smile, smile....]

19. Number 4 just got you an X-Box.

What's X-box?

20. Number 9 challenges you to a children's card game!

No way! I always lose in card games! Yi Wen will play for me. =P

21. Number 1 thinks he/she's overweight.

Come on...

22. Number 7 looks lonely.

I'll tell Ainin. =D

23. Number 2 asks you rudely to go leave her/him alone.

Okay..

24. Numbers 5 and 3 decide to throw a surprise party for you.

Thank you. But, for your info, surprises have succumbed to me.

25. Number 6 decide to dye his/her hair black. What do you say to that?

That's OK. What did Beng say?

26. Number 7 tells you he/she is going to go out for a while, and then later you hear about a shooting where he/she went.

God bless you... Nah, you're going to be just fine. I know that.

27. You catch number 9 by him/herself, crying.

Don't stressed up. I know it's hard, but you can make it through.

28. Numbers 1, 3, 5 and 6 all tackle you at once.

Huh? Speechless.

Thirty-four

2009-09-02T01:35:00.000-07:00

If only I had the gut
to bang myself against the wall

Nonsense!
Nonsense!
Nonsense.

Can't quit now. Can't move on, either.

i LOVE eald, very much.

Thirty-three(Love Letter)

2009-09-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

If blogging has become a medium for us to talk, why waste it?

V,

I can take harsh words. As long as you talk, I can take it. Because of you, I'm losing myself, wondering how could I become like this. And then, because of you, I found what I've been searching for all these whiles.

I'm been wondering, how could I dislike a close friend like you, so much, to the extent that I myself can't accept. Now I know why, but there's no need to tell. It's good that you left me alone, as the spaces you gave allow my hatred to diminish and now it's gone. Our friendship is gone, but there's no need to mourn as we both paid the price.

We used to be so close together. At least I thought so. But at the meanwhile, I know that I myself never really truly opened up and let you in. You can perceive thing this way: I never put much faith in you, even though I tried. I never try to be angelic, but I like the your comment that I am a coward who pretends to be good. All these whiles I am only TRYING TO BE GOOD, because I've never been real good, because I've been spoiled before I came here, because I listen to my head rather than my heart all these time.

I don't have a kind heart. No matter how hard I try to get one. There's always something inside, something I regard as selfishness. Even writing this is merely due to my selfishness, worrying that some time in the future I'll feel bad for what I've done to you before I die. See?

I've never been good in anything. Not even in 'shooting' people or to say what others dare not to say. It's you who dare to voice up, I never do, and that's the part I admire the most about you. I am a coward who pretends to be good, so true. If only I had your gut to be who I am. Somehow your theory of the art of camouflage fits exactly into my context. I have tonnes of masks, each different from one another. If I could make a business out of it, I'm pretty sure I could have earned more than Bill Gates.

I don't remember since when it began. I asked my best friend, how to divorce a friend, since the beginning of 2009. And when I thought things could be fine if I bend my knees, I suggested reconciliation and you accepted it. It took so long for me to realize that you and I can never be good friends, we never should, not with your characteristics and my personality. Never. It was a fatal mistake since the beginning. We shouldn't have been that close. Had we only been casual friends I'm sure we wouldn't have come to where we are now.

Yes, exactly, different mindset. For I am a coward, I bottled up all my dissatisfaction and unhappiness on the inside. I don't know if you do. Things went out of control when he came in between you and me. But I guess I've reached the breaking point that now it broke, and I feel extricated. How pathetic. It's all my problem, after all. It's me who got problem. Nothing to do with him or you.

I don't know much about you. But I know you can survive. And that you have a bright future ahead of you, waving and smiling and welcoming you. So I know it's good for both of us, to let go of each other.

You influenced me so much to an extent that I myself can't believe. I did not cry when Neutral went off to the US. Durian's rejection failed its duty to call for my tears. But you. I felt tears coursing down my cheek when I signed the paper, marking the end of our friendship.

I've been thinking of writing a love letter before I reach 20. Just never thought that it would be something like this. You never changed. You are still the one who I first knew. Assertive and confident. You've taught me a lot of important things in this life.

Lastly, for bearing hatred for you, for I couldn't make it the way I thought we were meant to be, for all the things that I've done which might have hurt you, I'm sorry. Glad that we both tried. Glad that you woke me up.

I am sincere, too.

Thirty-two

2009-09-01T20:48:00.000-07:00

When girls are swooning over beautiful CLOTHES, nothing comes into sight except CLOTHES, not even Edward Cullen. What's more wtih... [Effectively applicable for Hooi Ying and Ainin]

"Gosh, the skirt is very nice! Wanna take a look?" Hooi Ying suggested.
"I think the blue one is better." Ainin said.

Forever 21. There we entered the shop.
My footsteps stopped at the entrance as I tried to 'scan' through the shop.
OK... The shirts/skirts/whatsoever sold here just don't lift my appetite.

I was standing alone when the mysterious shadow walked towards to me, as Hooi Ying and Ainin were so excited and drooling over their new- found favourites.

My eyes were still scouring the shop when that guy tried to do something.

Dangerous. A tinge of fear slithered down my spine as my biological alarm rang inside my brain. Thinking that he might be a psycho or whatsoever, I didn't even bother to look at him and walked straight towards Hooi Ying and Ainin at a marvelous speed.

That guy followed me.

In that case..perhaps he is some sort of ..salesman or sale assistant in the shop, I thought.

Then I turned and looked at his face.

Eh? Not sale assistant? So familiar?

My retarded mind started to carry out its function by sending me all the information/possibilities on whose face is this. The process was so efficient and effective as if it has romped through the thousands of faces that I've ever seen in my life in that mere half-second!

Gosh, it was Mr. Derick!

"I was like blah blah blah... and then blah blah blah...you guys blah blah blah..." Mr Derick grumbled.
"Really? Oh..blah blah blah blah blah blah..." Ainin replied.

Having just experienced a superb shock, the only phrase I heard was 'window shopping'.

So we bumped into our EALD lecturer yesterday. How unexpected.
So our lecturer made an effort to make himself visible in our eyes. How cute. Hehe...

Thirty-one

2009-08-20T19:06:00.000-07:00

I walked down the staircase, not wanting to wait for the lift.
I then kept walking. I just didn't want to stop.
And I can't stop pondering.

How could I not know about it until Saturday?
Why would I still go for sister's convocation knowing that I was running out of time?
What I have done in the previous weeks?
I thought I was studying?
Why would things turn out to be this way?
Why couldn't I remember what I've studied just 1 day ago?
How could this happen to me?
What do I want actually?
Why do I want to fly actually?[Not for dream, of course.]
Why do I study so hard?
Whom can I talk to?
Talk? What do I want to talk about?
"How come nobody tells me?" NO.
Pathetically, I blame myself for what happened.
If only I have spent more time studying...
But then, would it make any differences? A little bit, I suppose.
No, I can't find the right word to convey what is in my mind.

It's all my own fault.MY FAULT!

I had just handed in my last Econ topic test.
Don't remind me of the speech. It's worse.

I walked back home today.
I didn't feel tired.
It's the heart which feels exhausted ,
yet, holding its last breathe,
whispered to my ears:

"Don't give up. Not Yet."

30

2009-08-10T09:37:00.000-07:00

August 13th, 0925. California.

Dear friend,
Take my love, and fly.

Twenty-nine

2009-08-08T09:07:00.000-07:00

"Thanks a lot!"
"Thank you very much!"
"Thank you, I love you!"
"Thanks ya!"

Thank you!

Enlighten me.
How to tell that phrase
in such a way which shows
how I feel for them?

Dai Ga Jie, Hooi Ying, Ainin and Chia Venn.

Although it turned out to be a mess in the end, I thank you for what you've done for me. I really do. There's no way to tell. And often I wonder, why I am always the least helpful ones? As if I'm only good in washing the bathroom or sweeping the floor and then nothing else.

Twenty-eight

2009-08-04T05:20:00.000-07:00

I dislike somebody. I never told.
Nor would I tell, or try to imply.
I hate hypocrite, loathe that person
as if whatever this person does
I can't help but to dislike it.
I tried and try and I'm still trying
to be neutral towards this person.

"How could you do this to me?", I used to ask. Being indifferent and ignorant, your choice to deal with our problem. I guess I must have owed you in my previous life, if there's any. And now I'm servicing the debts. Day by day, I believe that it's about to be done, as my hatred and disgust for you is ceasing. And one thing I can't deny, I bad-mouthed you behind my 'OK-looking'. Let's say I'm bad. I dare say you are no good either.

I like somebody. I never told.
Nor would I tell, but I did imply.
I am the hypocrite
for treating him ice-cold
despite the desire deep down
which is eager to see him
everyday that's what I do.
I tried and try and I stop trying
because I do not have the gut

I just don't have the gut
to tell you I hate you
and to tell you I like you.

Once in a while, I want to write this blog, the way I used to write. The way I want to write.

Twenty-seven

2009-08-04T04:38:00.000-07:00

She banged the door behind me. Half-consciously, I asked in a playful tone "Hey, why so angry?" I heard no voice after I finished my sentence. I turned back. She threw her bag on the floor. "Bang!!!!!" again, she closed the bathroom door.

That night, she wept, convulsively, and the emotional outburst was so clear that I could hear her pain. It was all about WORDS. Words could, often, if not always, cause much hurt than knife could do.. Baffled, I blurted out her name, wanted to console her...NO. Wanted to tell her that, it's all right to cry out loud. Just let them out.

Sorry.

It's never easy to say sorry, when you really mean it.

SORRY is a powerful word. The far-reaching implications which the word brings shall not be disparaged, as it can actually tame the burning flame and soothe the shattered soul. Unfortunately, with brutal honest, it has been violated and abused by some of the very brilliant creatures in this world who are overly self-centered or overprotective, if you would want to hear it in a more polite manner. Probably, they have higher analytic skill that, "I, myself, and me come first before everything on the earth" is the awfully noble mindset that they hold, so that they survive, in this cruel and unpredictable and 'no-one-should-be-trusted' life.

No wonder the world has become how it is today.
If everyone were to embrace that very noble and outstanding mentality to live their lives, what's left here in our lives?

Crying is a cathartic doing.

What should I do when people cry, I seriously wonder.
I smile, usually, because I don't know what else on earth can I do.
To console them? Or to let them be?

How I wished I could be like Edward Cullen,
to be able to read people's minds...

I'll be there for her, just like how she does.

Twenty-six

2009-07-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, thing doesn't have to be that way.
I can always make a change

The craziness has to be halted.
I can always make it stop.

Forgive me
for telling you goodbye
before I tell you hi

Goodbye.

Twenty-five

2009-07-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I broke a beaker during Chemistry practical class. It was in examination condition. After boiling the solution for about 10 minutes, surprisingly and irrationally, I tried to transfer the BEAKER to the basin using a TEST TUBE HOLDER. Of course, how on earth can a test tube holder holds a beaker? I must had been running out of my mind, letting the unnecessary things wallowing in my mind all those whiles until I lost my ability to rationalize things. Darn..

So it fell and I tried to save it. Yet I failed and it broke.

Automatically as if it had been programmed, I turned and got to the sink and opened the pipe and let the water ran down my burning palms. Ms. Jacklyn was saying something, yet no one words got into my ears. Michelle, the first one came to me and asked if my hands were alright. Within a minutes, Chia Venn approached me and asked me the same question. Sooner, Hanis, my housemate who made me a birthday card during my b'day, did the same thing.[I was touched..I really did.]

Later, my palms were still burning. I mean, they are BURNING. It was, painful. Here came the the stern-looking lab assistant. Gingerly and slowly, she applied some medicine on my burning palms. I started to weep. [Glad that i was inside the 'preparatory room'] It wasn't about the pain. I simply felt touched by her. To me, she was a complete stranger; and this so-called stranger took care of my wound with utmost care, as if I was her little sister. "Don't cry..." I remember how soft her whisper was, and how sincere it was...that it touched my heart.

Within two minutes I calmed myself down. Reluctant to let my friends see my weeping look, I put on the 'everything-is-alright" mask[a mask which I have been wearing all these while] and carried on...

It costed me RM6 for breaking the beaker. In other words, I bought something else with this RM6. Had I not broken the beaker, I would not have seen the who are the real friends that I've got.

Chia Venn, a friend who I thought I've lost when she got together with Beng, has always been there for me when REAL troubles come. About two months ago, she was also the only one who consoled me. In fact, she was the only one who saw me through when that happened.

Hanis, my housemate+classmate. Besides making me a birthday card, she helped me to wash chicken when I first cooked in student house. She helped me to remove the 'fat' as it is unhealthy to consume "chicken's fat". Although there has been little conversations/interaction, she seems to be ready to help whenever I needed one. How nice of her...

Thanks a lot. I appreciate them. Thanks.

Twenty-four

2009-07-29T00:54:00.000-07:00

What makes it so hard for us to talk to each other? How to break the emotional war?(or wall?)

Talking is inevitable. It must have been the most astonishing skill bestowed upon the people by the God, right after the ability to think. Yet, meanwhile, it must have been the toughest art of life that one needs to master, too. The greatest gift is the hardest ones to be truly appreciated. People don't seem to find pleasure in talking to each other. I attribute the matter concerned to the lack of faith which people put on each other, the unspoken conflicts which live silently in one's heart, and the clashes of opinions between the subjects.

First and foremost, the lack of faith. Enlighten me, if there's any, how is it possible for one to talk to a person whom you do not have faith in? In other words, it is simply implausible for a person to talk to someone who he does not believe in. Be it worrying that this person whom you talk to might breach his promise by leaking the source out or whatsoever, you simply don't feel like talking to this person anymore. You just don't feel good, to talk to him. An invisible barrier forms, you acknowledge its presence but you'll choose to ignore it, perhaps for the most practical reason-to avoid confrontation, or for the most ridiculous reason-to maintain your "friendship". The frequency of talking will thus reduce, gradually yet significantly, and then you come to a point where you find no point of talking to this person anymore.

The clashes of opinions, as shown in the movie "A thousand years of good prayers", the father and the daughter find it hard to communicate due to the disparities in perceptions and viewpoints. It is shown that the father did try to fill the pause with some chatters while having dinner with the daughter yet his struggle is proved to be futile. Bicker occurs when the father condemn the daughter for being rude by asking 'direct' question whereas the daughter regards his father criticism as obsolete and doesn't make sense. Two persons with completely different insights and believes, if were to talk to each other, will probably end up with quarrels and dissatisfaction. That's why it is so hard for us to talk, when it comes to the not-so-right person, and the bloody truth is that it is not easy to get the feel-so-right person in our life.

Lastly, it is hard to talk, when there are uneasy feelings bottling up in one's heart. It certainly is not something you can tell, without taking a second thought, of all the possible consequences which would happen, if you touched the most sensitive topic, as if the heat receptors in our skin being stimulated by temperature, which will then set out a chain of reaction within the nervous system and react by giving RESPONSE at last. For instance, in the movie, when the father finally talks about his past, yet the conversation[the monologue] does not sustain in a face-to-face manner but instead being "shielded" by a wall. It is the response which we are fear for, constantly. In short, we, human beings, sometimes, have the congenital tendency of eluding things we feel uncomfortable with. Confrontation, precisely.

How to break the emotional war?[Pragmatically, it is unattainable.] In order to break the emotional war, correct prescription should be given by addressing and dissolving the causes of the war. Surprisingly, talking is the only way which would probably work effectively to surmount the matter concerned. Emotion is not something that should be kept inside, it will only linger and evolve over time. Release one's emotions, be more open-minded to talk to each other...

Talking is a serious business. We talk all the time. But, how many of us are actually 'talking' to the people around us?So, open up one's mind and heart, and talk.

Twenty-three

2009-07-16T11:37:00.000-07:00

Sarah came to our room just now.
"Wow, your room is very nice."
"Yeah, we sleep together." [Big grin]

Indeed, indisputably and irrevocably, I am deeply in love with our room. What's about our room? Believe it or not, it's the bond that makes it feels so homely. Yes, the invisible yet unbreakable bond amongst us.

As my memory drifts back to the IELTS era, the room is nothing more than a hostel for me. Four beds placed closely to the corners of the room, respectively. Study desks were set next to each other. It looked so 'academic' as I used to call it my personal study room.

Unconsciously, it has been one year since we first lived together. Now that we moved our beds right next to each other, which brought us closer together. =p

Hooi Ying, the motherly ones.

She used to cut apples and pears for us, probably due to the immediate expiration of the fruit. Their appetite is rather weird, for me, as they relished the fruit with a substantial amount of salt put on it.
Her fingernails are her arteries. She can't survive without them. She could feel awufully upset if she 'miscut' a picometer of them.
She turns very scary when she studies. It is as if her body, her mind, and her soul have been possessed by some kind of 'spirit' when she plays her study mode.
She is very soft-spoken.
Narcissism level: 9.6/10.
We sleep together but we do not share the same dream.

Chia Venn, the hardworking ones.

She is like a machine. Four hours of sleep is enough for her to study industriously for a straight-four or more hour. She never seem to feel exhausted. Her eyes are wide opened while mine has already set into the slumber mode automatically.
She talks lame jokes. Seriously. You can't differentiate between a normal statement and her 'suppose-to-be-funny' joke.
She has purchased an effective Elephant Glue and she is madly in love with it.
Level of abstraction: 9.8/10. - She asked the same question thrice within 30 minutes. Generally, we can conclude that she lost her memory after every 10 minutes, given that she is STUDYING.
She is died when she sleeps. She hears no alarm, no calling, nothing. Dai Ga Jie used to be the one who had to wake up early in the morning just to turn off her clock alarm which was right beside chia venn yet she heard nothing.
Her sleeping coverage is 'beyond boarder'. Even Dai Ga Jie has to make space for her.

Shun Ling, the Dai Ga Jie.

Narcissism[10/10], her strongest human trait. If she happens to become a vampire, she'll definitely carry a mirror with her wherever she goes.
Dai Ga Jie, sounds great huh? Honestly, she is just like any typical girls who are afraid of ghost tales. She told us to shut up before we get started.
Love to look into the mirror and smile when she puts on hairband or cap or whatsoever...A girl who smiles at the mirror. [^v^][^v^]
Oscar's top nominee. People foresee her as the winner for Oscar with a variety of her productions... She is indeed a multi-talented artist. Her voice is beautiful. Her acting skill is undeniably pro. Last but not least, her unforgettable Indian Dance.
She is more like a KLite than I do. She knows every road from Bandar Utama to SS2 to Damansara up to blah blah blah...places which I didn't even aware of their existence had Shun Ling not told me.
An once in a lifetime roommate. I could never meet anyone as nice as her. I find her affable to talk to. [^v^]

They are my rooommates. As we come from different backgrounds, we share the same room, the same fan, and the same dream. We talk about the college, the friends, the lecturers, and our own family. We welcome our neighbours [Ainin, Jae Von, Fern...] to our room. [Guys are strictly prohibited.] We share the same memory as well, in the room.

I love our room. I cherish the bond.

22

2009-07-10T07:05:00.000-07:00

You lift my feet off the ground,
You spin me around,
You make me crazier,crazier
Feels like I'm fallin,
And I'm, lost in your eyes,
You make me crazier, crazier, crazier...

Crazier...I'm crazier about YOU.
Darn it.

Twenty-one

2009-07-05T04:14:00.001-07:00

As known by all and sundry, we had a celebration for Ainin in conjunction with her 19-year-old birthday. The following are some of the preview of which had happened about 1 month before her birthday:

Few weeks before her big day, she had already drawn out the map diagram for one of her most anticipated days in 2009. She started showing Hooi Ying her past year birthday greeting sms-es...[Sweat..] See how excited her was over her own birthday?
She was the birthday party planner.
She had chosen her own birthday present, which was a skirt sold at the price of RM99 ,in which case she shared the present with nine of us by paying half of the price.[Gosh, she saved the world! She saved my bleeding purse!]
She decided on the menu for the dinner [Chicken, potatoes, pizza, and even the TYPE OF ICE for the drinks. Also the TYPE OF CUPS to be served to her guests].
She was the chief as well. She prepared the chicken, the cheese potato, the strawberries dessert, and last but not least, the ICE.
The rest of the aunties were in hibernation, still and calm. [See, that is what differentiate between an uncontrollable wild kid and the members of Auntie Association(AA).]

Alright. One day before her birthday...or to be precise, last Friday, the aunties had flung themselves into the preparation for the GREAT DINNER. Here I would borrow Mariah Carey's lyrics to proceed my entry. It goes like this. "Details don't matter we ALL(both) paid the price." So, the following are some of the highlights for the party:

The dinner was great, even though the atmosphere turned slightly awkward when the only opposite species kept talking while we were dining. [We were relishing the fruit of hard work(after the exhausive preparation) and "silence" isn't necessarily a negative term, right?]
The game was fun, credit to Hooi Ying.
Thank you Dai Ga Jie a.k.a Shun Ling for being supportive. Your cooperation was very much appreciated and I hereby guarantee that it would be engraved in our memories for the rest of our lives. Ladies and gentlemen, Shun Ling could be awfully CUTE despite her 'authoritative' demeanour.(^^)
Hooi Ying is indeed suffering from the ultimate stage of narcissim. This was proven when she could still admire her own looking with her hair being tied up like psycho by the rest of the aunties. No cure is available at the present.
The only species of his kind had admitted that he is....... Also, those who had opened up their 'heart' ...Hehe...[Don't worry. Those top the committee board of AA would zip their mouths till the end of AUSMAT. It is up to you whether to tell or not to tell.(Evil grin...)]
Chia Venn's Banana Dance had put all of us into loud guffow. Supposed she was to perform an Indian Dance, which was inspired by the Oscar's nominee-Dai Ga Jie. [Indian actresses dance around a coconut tree; Dai Ga Jie imitated them by moving her pillow left and right with her head(shaking) stays at the middle; Chia Venn shaked only the banana-like pillow[which happened to be Ainin's].

It was a memorable night. Ainin is now one of us. Happy Birthday to Ainin. She is one of her kind, and I hope she would never leave the world she is living in now.(^.^)

Twenty

2009-07-05T04:01:00.000-07:00

One thing I hate about poem
is that it reveals my emotions, brutally.

One thing I hate about You
is the same thing I hate about poem
as you unclothe your sentiment, damn openly,
which I find it hard to bear with, in all honesty.

One thing I hate about myself
is the opposite from what I hate about You
as I conceal my feelings, impeccably,
that sometimes I feel like,
I am a betrayer, a traitor, and a murderer
to my own self.

Nineteen

2009-06-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

Enough.

Imagine keeping a secret that nobody knows.
You will not sell,
because you are not, rumormonger.

Imagine holding a truth that no one believes.
You will not tell,
because you know, it's pointless.

Imagine bearing a pain that none understand.
You will not yell,
because you are different from that bunch of hypocrites,
whose masks you see through,
that their groaning are merely a show.

Could Oscar be appeasing, for these disingenuous plays?

Eighteen

2009-06-09T01:28:00.000-07:00

Life has been frustrating. Life as a student like me.

I did not reply when people asked me how was the exam. I simply don't want to. The lecturers know it well. In short, you may ask the lecturers.

Again and again, public speaking, or I should say, speaking, to be more accurate, is like a constant thorn for me. Sometimes I really hope that I was born dumb, so that I would never need to SPEAK in some language which I am not proficient in. It's like no matter how hard I tried, how much effort I've put in, all that examiners could see is how this student[that is me] floundered like a lost lamb(again) or scrambled for coherency like an imbecile "whose mental acumen is well below par". Maybe I should consult or receive some sort of psychological treatment to curb some kind of silly phobia in me. That was how I felt RIGHT AFTER my EALD ORAL TEST.

And then, there came the big day. It was EALD paper on the first day. I became numb when Hooi Ying and Ainin talked about the second essay. I had only written ONE essay. If I stayed in a single room, I would have wept convulsively for the whole day. Thank God I have THREE roommates and that their existence had put my 'crying plan' in vain. There's no use crying over spilt milk, huh? I moved on and I did my past year papers for App. Maths and Chemistry, studied till the dawn for Physics and last but not least, I gave all that I could to understand Econs.

What's worse is that people DO NOT BELIEVE IN what I say. If I were given a chance to talk in the public, to talk about anything I meant, I would tell everybody how wrong their evaluation is about me, how ludicrous it is to think that I am good, and how exhausting it is to keep everything to myself simply because you guys will say "Nah, you're good" or "I'm 10 times worse than you". I'm extremely sick of those replies. They sound damn fake. How old are you? Be real please.

My primary teacher used to tell me that Rome was not build in one day. Yet, I wonder if I had enough time to pave my path. It's never too late to mend, huh? Nah, that sentence is only applicable for SPM or STPM or in one's LIFE but not AUSMAT which takes a student's on-going performance so seriously. My roommates (Hooi Ying and Shun Ling) who studied only when it was close to the exam managed to answer the papers but my condition was 180' of out phase compared with theirs. Should I attribute this to my congenital lack-of-intelligence or the very way I study over the years?

Life is short, AUSMAT is shorter.

This post is not subjected to any particular parties.
It's simply a cathartic entry.

Seventeen

2009-05-08T11:09:00.000-07:00

I have been dispelled. =)

It has been six years.

2003:

I asked "WHY ME?" like any other patients. I was like an outcast. I was, abnormal. I felt disgruntled. I hate the brace. It was a very hard..plastic, and till today, I'll still admire my ability to put it on for 23x7.

2004:

I loathed hospital. I saw how vulnerable human beings could be. I saw other teenagers who were just like me.I realized that I wasn't alone. I felt envious when I saw my friends wearing beautiful/fashionable clothes. With the brace on, T-shirts were my only choice. The only option to prevent people from seeing it, so that I could look 'normal' like any other girls.

2005:

It was the turning point of my life as I met someone who influenced me the most. I still hated going to hospital. I made a new brace. I consoled an eleven-year-old girl when I met her in the brace-making shop. I wish she is not crying anymore.

2006 & 2007:

Going for appointments was like watching football once in a while. I could recognize almost every doctor there. As usual, I sat quietly beside my mom. I did not smile. Nor would I talk whenever I was there in the hospital. I felt sour and I looked sour as well. Again, I saw them. I felt sympathy for them. That was why I wished I could become a doctor.

2008:

I was told to take off my brace and to come back after one year. I threw the brace aside and felt my bed at last. It was so soft, so comfortable...

Yesterday:

I held my head up and talked to the doctor for the first time since 2003. I don't hate hospital anymore. I walked around as if I were in my school. It was also the first time I went into the X-ray room without my mom. I felt familiar with that place even though I hadn't been there for one year. They kicked me out and he said he doesn't want to see me anymore. He said I should be safe now. It would not exacerbate, not anymore. I left, without looking back.

I am officially free now.

*I'm really naked this time. I had tried so hard to keep these under the carpet. OK.

Sixteen

2009-05-08T09:21:00.000-07:00

As I plonked myself down and let my eyes ran wild around the room, the sense of helplessness was overwhelmed. The snoring and constant coughing were unbearable. It wasn't me producing all those noises. [They were suffering, I know.] The pain in my left wrist enraged me further. It was already 3 in the morning and I was forced to eat cookies[instructed by the nurse] as my blood sugar level was below average. I lied down, and flipped through the memories. The latest software which I had just downloaded in my local disk B and there I saw...

how I felt when I first reached our camping site-I was elated
how I first climbed up the double-decker bed
how I then regretted for choosing the upper bed as there were INSECTS on my bed when I wanted to sleep
the oddest rules in RESORT which instructed its guests to wash their own plates after meals
how a brunch of students were compelled to play in the rain with their eyes folded by scarfs
how Franky looked like when he pointed his finger at Chan struggling to recall Chan's nick during the card game
how we laughed our heads off at the first night and studied econs with the companion of 'wild lives'
how Ms Chan demonstrated the way to do aerobic in the early morning [the second day]
the way we were in the jungle, and how KCV helped her boyfriend to get through those 'obstacles'
Senior Nor Zafry sharing his experience in Australia with us and meanwhile some of us had already 'gone' to Australia by just closing our eyes
how we were being misled to cross the suspension bridge believing that FLYING FOX would be waiting for us on the other end
jumped into the pool and had fun as if on-going assessment never existed[friends, lecturers, 'colour fox'...]
how the l o n g-anticipated BBQ and camp fire turned out to be 'economic buffet' ,
the extravaganza of the night: greatest performance ever![Special "WOW" for Mud's twinkle-star remix, Fad's silat and the 'adrenaline-overdosed' by the last gay partners]
the explore race which was indisputably fun, thrilling, energy-consuming, and laudable!

And of course, all of you.

Some might think that it doesn't worth it as it is like I paid RM200 to fail my econ[I had no idea how to do the data interpretation] besides getting a few kisses from the ever-dangerous creature of God. I did feel frustrated when I think of the former. I did expect leeches but not snake. I could have dead if it was poisonous.

To sum up, RM200=Failing econ + Snake bite.
Yet, RM200 also equals to
Experience+Once in a lifetime+Friendship+Ever-lasting memories+P&C..

That night, I closed my eyes with a smile on my face. The only thing was that, they were very worried and I felt guilty for that. Still, never once had I felt regret. Because, I'm still breathing, at least.

Fifteen

2009-04-16T22:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry guys. I have been in 'idea drought' for days. So, I'm going to pose something really 'personal' this time.

First of all, I would like to express my deepest gratitude to all my fellow friends who had attended my Annual Promotion Ceremony. With the grace of God and your support, thankfully, I am now eligible to join the Aunties Association, in which the committee is comprised of Hooi Ying, Shun Ling and Jae Von [so far]. I thanked so much for what you've done, notwithstanding the redundant 'hidding part' which proved to be utterly futile. Anyway, it's OK because Ainin got very excited for what she had done and it was really cool to see her with a big sincere wide smile on her face while everybody was in dire need of sleep. [Kids never get tired, right?] One thing impressed me the most was their objectives in selecting the Cake of the Day-First, the flattest surface for 'convenient-writting' on it; second, the simplest structure for 'easy-cutting' of it.

So, as a new member, I have to brush up on my gossiping skill before the recruitment for another 'fresh aunty' which will be coming in June. [Yeah, more aunties will be coming up next.] Besides, I wish I could gain weight as soon as possible in order to maintain the stereotype of a typical aunty. Aunt J would be my weight-gaining partner for this. Lastly, I've registered for the narcissism course organised by the association vice-president, Aunt Shun, as to build up my level of confidence.

At night, my friends back home came to congratulate my promotion. One slice of my favourite CheeseChoc, a pack of self-made cheese tarts, the ladybird+zebra-like jacket, filled my night with love, again. Of course, I would never forget how the two of them, wholeheartedly, sang the theme song out loud at the park in the middle of night, as if there were ten singing it.

That night, I looked up to the cloudless sky and I felt replete with love. I saw stars in the sky. They were dead, yet they looked beautiful. I think that's what I should live with.

I'm 19.

Fourteen

2009-04-08T20:29:00.000-07:00

So, I was drowned in the tsunami disaster. Badly injured as I am, I ran to the computer lab, to get in touch with the computer, which could probably ease my anguish.

I was lucky as I got an pretty simple question. I was given sufficient time to get myself prepared, to take a DEEP breathe or whatsoever self-calming methods and YET...I talked as if I have never learned English before. I'm not even comparative to a kindergarten child! I'm pretty sure that it wasn't my nervousness that caused me floundered like a lost lamb. It IS my ICU level of ENGLISH. Fish is to swim as bird is to fly while I'm just akin to a bird trying to swim in the water. I've learned the method to swim but to master the skill, a lifetime would presumably not enough.

Sometimes, I just feel like banging my head against the wall. Again, I'm like the frog under the well. Only when I jumped out from my happy little world that I realized how important English is. So, basically, if I were to look into a mirror which reflects a person's real image, I would probably see a combination of a frog head[which contain a frog's brain] joined to a bird's body without wings with a fish tail attached. OK.

English language. Without fail, it douses the slowly igniting fire in me and shatters every single hope that I thrive so hard to hold on. I had once felt that "how great would it be to be a 'banana'". But not now. Not anymore.

Perhaps I should have gone to China or Taiwan. Better still, stay in Malaysia.
Because, I feel like an outcast here. Somewhere I doesn't belong to.
No matter how hard I tried to fit in the society.

Although I had prepared for days, it came faster than what I've expected. The wave was gentle and mild, though.I just don't know how to swim when I am IN the water.So, I was drowned in the tsunami disaster. Badly injured as I am, I ran to the computer lab, to get in touch with the computer, which could probably ease my anguish.

Thirteen

2009-04-03T05:57:00.000-07:00

The "anticipated tsunami" called off its initial plan to hit the AUSMAT Island this week and deferred its invasion for seven days. Indisputably, this alleviated most of the residents' suffering and allowed some time for them to live their own lives. [Hang out with friends instead of the BOOKS] Therefore, I decided I should post something tastes sweet this week in conjuction with the theme of the week- Honey Week.

Out of all the movie stars whom I admire, this entry will limit itself to the top threes in my list, namely, Johnny Depp, Nicolas Cage, and Jet Li.[The sequence/position of naming does not represents my level of admiration on them as it is well-nigh equally distributed.] To talk about their outstanding acting skills is as much use as a chocolate fire-guard as every human beings with BRAIN and EYES knows how professional and marvelous they are.

Johnny Depp. My friends who are the big fans of The Pirates of The Carribean bought me to him. With brutal honest, I felt a strong disgust towards him when I first looked at the poster of the movie. However, he managed to grab my heart within three hours in the dark cold room with his play as Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Carribean 3: At World's End. I then borrowed the previous two pirates movies from my friends. In fact, I have a poster of his Captain Jack Sparrow in my room! I used to look into his eyes before I sleep and fantasized myself as his lover in his adventure as a pirate! That's silly huh... Besides that, his Sweeney Todd tragic ending[He killed his own wife as he didn't recognize her and later died hugging his wife's dead body in his arms] broke my heart despite the fact that he murdered tonnes of innocent people. Johnny Depp is indeed successful in manipulating my emotion with his brilliant acting skill.

Next, Nicolas Cage. He is seven years younger than my dad but he LOOKS ten years older than the latter. So, I first came across his name by watching the movie Ghost Rider. Again, I felt like walking out from the cinema when the charming young guy became an ugly old man [the ghost rider who is in his middle-age]who was played by Nicolas Cage. Then again, I fell for him after watching the movie and keep up with his latest plays such as Next, Bangkok Dangerous and Knowing!!!! Similarly, his play as Joe in Bangkok Dangerous wrecked my heart as well as he died in the end of the movie. Joe is a professional killer and he is paid to kill, with no mercy. However, he loses his creepily detached demeanor when he met her[a pharmacist who is dumb and deaf] and that's when the chinks begin to appear in his armour and eventually leads to his death, as a good guy at least.

Lastly, Jet Li. I became obsessed with him after I watched Danny the Dog[Unleashed]few months ago. I'm partial of his innocence in the movie. I wonder how on earth could such a person exist? He is handsome and he knows kung-fu! He has a big love for the world that he set up the One Foundation to help on the underprivileged and the unfortunate ones. Jet Li is the real hero!!!

As a whole, I like them. Til then.

Twelve

2009-03-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

If I were given another chance, I would choose the path which could lead me to my dream.
So that I would not feel what I feel now, every time when I put on the lab coat.

When desire appeared to be more appealing than dream, I chose to give up on my lifetime dream, a dream which seemed unattainable and impractical, and here I am, studying together with all of you. It's akin to when you get what you WANT but not what you NEED.

When I came here, I met you all. Most of you, are seriously hanker after your "architect-to-become" dream BUT always, I live in regret for giving up my own dream. How much I wished I had the enthusiasm which is burning in you, saying out loud that "I WANT TO FLY!" or "HERE I COME KANGAROO!". Not to mention my lousy English level which further quenches my little sprouts of hope which bud in my mind in a "fluctuating trend".

"Yesterday is a history; tomorrow is a mystery; and TODAY IS A GIFT. THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED "PRESENT"." quoted from the Turtle in Kung Fu Panda.

Till then.

Eleven

2009-03-20T05:05:00.000-07:00

There's a pent-up frustration. Nothing's fine.

Blogging has become an onerous task for me. It's like the often I post something in this blog, the more dangerous I will be. Letting the public [I mean, everybody] to read my blog makes me feel naked. People know what I'm thinking and how do I feel. They know it through the tones which have been reflected by my words. This paragraph itself, for instance, has revealed a part of my thoughts.

No matter what, an order is still an order.

It's Prom Night. Although KCV is the only one who is going for the PROM, our [me, dai ga jie, hooi ying & kcv's] room has turned into a mess as if there has been a war, The Third World War. For your info, Hooi Ying is a dab hand at making 'marvelous' hairstyle while makeup has been Shun Ling's forte. Besides kcv, even Poh Hui [who probably could afford the professional hairstyle-making and makeup which costs rm100+] came to our room to get the FREE services! See, this shows that the consumers believe in us!There are DEMANDS!!! In fact, our skills and services are up to par! Other than the two professional stylists, we hire two assistants who are indisputably sweet and friendly!!! Both of them are indeed GOOD helpers as in passing pins to the hairstylist, providing mirrors plus contributing ideas and comments! Most importantly, it is FREE AND QUALITY-ASSURED!

Furthermore, there are extra services available. For example, transportation [private cars with DRIVER inserted] which could fetch you from where you are to your destination. Here, you can choose between Proton Kancil and Produa Kelisa. By the way, it's also up to you if you were more interested in selecting the types of driver:

A) The one with mature look but inept driving skill [Shun Ling the stylist]
B) The one looks/sounds underaged yet with 'considered-to-be-steady' driving skill [Ainin the helper]

Also, clothes/accessories/whatsoever that you needed are free to be lended with NO INTEREST RATES NOR HIDDEN CHARGES!!! Last but not least, you can enjoy a 'keep-fit' treatment [If you happen to be fresher than me] by running up and down the staircases as our beauty center is located on the second floor!!! Here we are: Room 1, 69, BU6/2! So, what are you waiting for?! Feel free to pay us a visit as we can turn the ordinary into the gorgeous one!!! [or whatever style you wish to be]

End of promoting.
End of today's self-revealing.

Ten

2009-03-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

It had been a bad week. Why was it? It was because...:

Firstly, we did not see Mr Derick this week. BUT, we were haunted by his ASSIGNMENT, "7x24"ly.

As when we thought that we could finally take a break after the straight (more than) three-sleepless-nights, we were TOLD by the third person that we have to do a presentation for the documentary. The news was like an unanticipated inflation which popped out from nowhere and it has definitely increased the rate of pressure growth in the market, particularly for the ausmat architecture students. I was attacked by myocardial when the word 'presentation' came into mind via my ears. That was 10 times worse than seeing a cockroach in the bathroom!

Next, we got back our results for the very first topic test. My results were 'not-so-good' as if I didn't put any effort in it. Again, it reminded me of the lyrics of Coldplay's old song "Fix You". It goes like this: When you tried your best but you don't succeed, could it be worse?

Lastly, I saw my friends cried this week yet there was nothing I could to for them. Nothing could dispel her sorrow, neither could the passing of time erase the pain in her. Hoping that she could move on with her life...

As a whole, nothing seemed to be fine.

Nine

2009-03-07T04:22:00.000-08:00

I'm going to hug my teddy bear so tight that it cries. I'm gonna spend my weekends with my friends back home, go shopping on J-card Members' Day and catch up with the latest movies on show. This would be a respite after two weeks of feverish schooldays. I had even planned out the schedule to 'fuel' myself with entertainment and freedom!

Yet, I stayed in BU. Yesterday was the first night which I slept alone at student house. Two of my roommates had gone back to their hometown while the only left did not come back that night. Here I was, as one of the hapless victims, being bonded with the documentary thingy. I stayed to complete our documentary which is going to due on next Tuesday. You'll see how much I have sacrificed for it...

So, I was alone and I have never really been alone. I do feel lonely occasionally but not ALONE. I spent the whole night chatting online with my friends using the connection speed which was palpably slower than the crawling speed of a snail. I was then fed up and off I went trying to complete the backlog of homework. My stomach started crying when the clock showed 11pm so I decided that I should get something to eat but before that I had to wash my hands. Here came the climax: There was a COCKROACH in the bathroom and I was ALONE in the room! Gosh...I can't just close the door as THAT THING might slip into the room through the door slit! I can't let IT come into the room because I'LL BE SLEEPING HERE TONIGHT!!! You would never understand how much I wished my daddy was here at this very moment. So, I nerved myself, grabbed a copy of newspaper, squatted down and got the cockroach locked into my eyes, estimated the angle and that's it! "Piak Piak Piak! Piak Piak Piak! PIAK!!!" I beat it with the superbly thick copy of newspaper as hardly as I could and it then flushed it down the toilet hole.

After that, I lost my appetite as the whole process had quenched my thirst for food. That night, I met my long lost friend who named Afraid-Of-Ghost. His sudden reapperance surprised me yet I did not welcome him either, particularly when I was in an empty room all alone. Both the window and the mirror in the room were the present he brought to me during the visit. Sigh...

This was the first time I KILLED A COCKROACH. My hands couldn't stop trembling after that just as if I were to talk in front of the class. Maybe I should get a gun so that I can shoot such loathsome creatures next time if I met them again without my daddy by my side. Anyway, I wish I would never have to do this again.

Eight

2009-02-27T04:34:00.000-08:00

"Since then, Snow White married the prince and they live together happily ever after."
As always, it's a wonderful happy ending for a fairy tale. But, what if a funeral ensued after this 'happily-ever-after-ending'? What if it's a funeral of Snow White's newly-born baby?

Few days ago, I received a harrowing news-A baby who wasn't even 2 months old choked to death while drinking milk. [Indeed, it caused a paroxysms of misery.] A day before that day, I saw a kitten laid dying in the middle of the road when I was on the way to the college. About two weeks before that, my uncle who had been 'always healthy' died of a sudden heart attack in his dreams. Five years ago, the brother of my just died uncle(who happened to be my uncle also) succumbed to colon cancer and made his wife widow.

Death occurs everyday. I then see that life is fragile. Looking back at all the things that I've done and whined about, I realize how greedy and immature I am in these 18 years. So, besides starting to appreciate every single person that I've met so far, I decided to confront my phobia and make a change in myself. I don't want to be a compliant girl anymore. That's the reason why I refused to give in today. [Syireen tried to 'reserve' a seat(the one which I usually sit at) for Atiqah who hadn't entered the class but I insisted to sit there no matter what.] Believe it or not, it was the first time for me for being so rude...no, let's call it 'indomitable', as to fight for ...my seat(first come first get basic) which I consider it as my right! I'm sorry for being rude anyway...It's just that I should learn how to say 'no' instead of nodding my head all the time, I think.

Life's short and unpredictable. The next thing I have in my mind is to tell my parents I love them and show them my concern and love. Although Tachibanna says it's not true when we say it out, we should tell them at least once. For instance, during our own birthday. If we can confess to a guy/girl who we have a crush on, why can't we say it to these two persons who top the list of dignitaries in our life?

I could never really believe that I sound like preaching in my academic blog... Let's say this is what I've learned this week. In short, be content.

Lastly, I would like to express my condolence to what happened to the Snow White. Perhaps the baby had been taken away much too early but I believe that God has a reason for it... I could never fathom how the Snow White feels like, as the truth is cruel enough to upset an outsider like me. I sincerely pray that she'll be alright.

Seven

2009-02-20T05:12:00.000-08:00

Again, it's Friday. My mom said something like this when she first taught me the names of the seven days in a week. Every Day came with its owning meaning along with its name. Unfortunately, I couldn't remember most of them except for "Friday". "Friday is called "Friday" because it's the day to 'fly away'",quoted from my mom who was talking to her five/six-year-old daughter. She was right as Fridays used to be the days I yearned for. It is only when I was told to create an academic blog that I started to loathe Fridays. It's something akin to the condition when you are suffering from gastric pain- you vomit even though you didn't eat anything and you have your face on top of the toilet bow for hours and at last all that come out from your mouth are the yellowish liquid.

Again, I have to clarify that this is only my personal opinion about this...blogging stuff. Anyway, three good things happened today(which is Friday). Firstly, we were encouraged to voice up our dissatisfaction regarding to palpable injustice in the arrangement of our timetable. Why do architecture students get afternoon classes always and what privilege do the engineering students possess to have their classes in the morning and then spend the rest of the day happily at home? Please do not tell me that it is fair as all of us have the same length of studying in the college. It is an indisputable fact that engineering students have more time to study or to do homework or for whatsoever things they want to do compared to architecture students who have to attend classes at the afternoon.

Normal human beings sleep at night and work during the day. We(architecture students) have to stay up late night and wake up early in the morning to do our homework and revision as well whereas the engineering students live a normal and healthy lifestyle as they are all given 6-hour-daytime to complete everything they have to. You may suggest a healthy lifestyle practice for the architecture students.For example, sleep at 12am and wake up at 7am to set off the day. If all of us were to practise this so-called 'healthy lifestyle', the lecturers could probably expect the students to sleep during their lessons. This will eventually influence our studies as we could not concentrate at all. How to focus when you feel drowsy? The only way to cure drowsiness is to close your eyes and sleep, isn't it? That's why when I first looked at my Ausmat timetable I've already felt a great dislike to it. Now, although it is stated that 'the voice of the students is more powerful', I don't think the college authority could make any differences either. That's life. Life's meant to be mean.

Back to the three good things that happened today. The second thing was that we were asked if we needed any transportation from our student houses to the college. It's so touching that they finally take heed of the existence of the architecture students who are in the afternoon session after the seven weeks of the course commencement. They provide shuttle vans scheduled 8.30am, 1.00pm, and 5.30pm for the students before this. Thank to them that most of the architecture students have to wake up as early as that of the engineering students even though their classes start at 1pm. [Bear in mind that the vans refused to send the students from student house to college at 1pm as they only provide the 'college-to-houses' service at that time.] Again, architecture students have been put in the state of oblivion. Do you know how each of us[girls in particular] risks our lives as we cycled to college under the blazing sun with no signs of human beings except the construction workers who look at us in an offensive way? In fact, if you have ever tried to cycle from BU6 to the college, you'll know how energy-consuming it is that you lose all your strength when you reach your destination and as a result, you will be too exhausted for the lessons! It's great that they show their concern at last.

Well, the last thing is nothing more than my personal stuff. I could only say that I would try harder.

Again and again, I have to clarify that I bear no means of condemning any parties. Till then.

Six

2009-02-14T02:35:00.000-08:00

This entry is post for sheer sharing purpose.

It's Valentine's Day. I switched on the television while holding my teddy bear in my arm. Then, I heard a wedding music before I saw the pictures. The music ensued with a narrative which made me burst into laughter. It was something like this-

"After the 308 tsunami, PAS, DAP and Keadilan registered and married as Pakatan Rakyat and were expected to lead a happy ever after life together. However, a crack has slowly surfaced in their relationship due to the skin-deep understanding between each others before their marriage. As a results, bickers and arguments happened almost every day in their life. On the other hand, they have five children(which are named as Kedah, Kelantan, Penang, Perak and Selangor) to take care of. Unfortunately, one of them has been kidnapped because of their ignorance and the lack of concern."

The narrative was then followed with an interview of the host with two guests. It is actually ntv7's latest Chinese offering entitled "Editor's Time" and it's aired on every Saturday at 6.00pm. Basically, "Editor's Time" is a talk show revolving the latest and hottest affairs of the week in the country. Together with the guests they will delve in that particular topic with in-depth analysis and debate over the issue. Well, I love politics. That's the reason why I spent 30 minutes watching it. (Time has become a scarcity since I came to KBU...) Furthermore, the show ended with a love song in conjunction with the Valentine's Day. It was really amusing when it suggested some flowers-dedication to somebody by somebody. Now I know that 13-stick of flowers represents 'I'm sorry' while 19 means patience and expectation. (I'm not sure if 'stick' is the appropriate word. Usually we say 'a bouquet of flowers', ain't we?)

I personally admire the producers' creativity in describing the relationship between the three political parties and the way they present their opinions in such a marvelous manner. Although it is a political issue, they managed to bind it to the valentine's moods. I seriously adore this episode and I bet it would be able to catch your attention as well with its extraordinary and interesting opening credit even if you were apolitical.

Last but not least, valentine's day is S.A.D at which it stands for Single Awareness Day.(As quoted from my friend) Happy S.A.D!

Five

2009-02-12T04:02:00.000-08:00

I should't have prepared for the essay. I spent 3-day-time to memorize the themes, the main ideas, the key points, the examples and so forth but only to have all my budding hopes of getting a slightly better score squashed as a piece of hogwash was all that I managed to hand in today. Frankly speaking, I've known the question beforehand. Troublesome is my pieces of writing can never be any good whenever I am in the examination condition.

It's disheartening when this happens. "When you tried your best but you don't succeed...Could it be worse...~" quoted from the lyrics of the song "Fix You" sang by Coldplay. True enough, it sings my thoughts. What's worse is lecturer assume all of his students to have reached some kind of level in essay-writing and obviously I am not one of them. What happens when your hardwork doesn't pay off? Nothing.

On the other hand, lecturers are truly different from teachers. Not only in terms of how they are being called but also the way they teach. Despite the freedom of speech, I decide that I shouldn't elaborate my point of view about how they are different from each other. Also, studying in college is contradict to that of what we called "school life". In fact, I find myself hard to cope in this 'not-so-new' environment. People at here don't seem to have the gumption to do things(which are considered quite important as marks are counted in) and they are like...letting up... This is really difficult for me as I am actually a perfectionist(even though so far nothing perfect has been done) and I have no idea what is in their mind. There's no point for me to go against them either. I'm just an ordinary student in KBU and listening to me would be ludicrous.

This is supposed to be an academic blog but somehow I sound like kvetching about my personal stuff. I guess I shouldn't be blogging when I'm moody. So, as a whole,this is my thoughts about the test and the assignments. Till then.

Four

2009-02-11T18:16:00.000-08:00

The seconds ticked by while we were floundering helplessly. We started our work at 8.30pm and we spent the following four hours to explore the newly introduced software on how to edit a video. We tried on each of its features such as audio editing, color correction, playback speed and so forth. What's more was that we had to squeeze everything to become a 30-second trailer and I guess that was the hardest part of the whole stuff. On top of that, searching for appropriate 'soundtrack' for the trailer was also a hard nut to crack. Above all, hanging out with IT is not a forte for all of us. That was why we were all in limbo at the very outset of our project.

However, all of us dug in as we wanted to complete it by tonight. Slowly and slowly, we became a dab hand at editing the video.(I am not trying to vaunt as it's just that I get a little bit exhilarated with our recently-acquired-skill) The greatest thing was to have learned how to cut scene. On the other hand, it took "kung fu" as well when it came to adjusting and matching the scenes with the music.

Apparently we started our work at 8.30pm. Nonetheless, it was only after 12.00am that we realized how a trailer is supposed to be after all. As we have never seen trailer of a documentary, the movie "Twilight" served as our inspiration as well as our reference point. Through it we decided that we should add in more words like "This Summer" and blah blah blah. Besides that, we came out with a lot of brilliant ideas which were easy to imagine(as quoted from Sarah) but almost impossible to get it done. We wanted to make it this way and that way and like this and like that but in the end there was only a small proportional of our splendid ideas were fulfilled.Well, what do you expect from a brunch of "almost IT retarded" teenagers who were exhausted and feeling superbly sleepy at the meanwhile?

Despite hitting the snag over and over again, I did enjoy myself. We laughed with a supremely great level of amplitude when we watched the 'video-in-process'(which we thought it is funny) and we sighed together when the outcome of the video did not reach our expectation. We redid part of it over and over again, searched for the music with intolerably slow connection and learned from our mistakes of course. (For example, you cannot transfer the "readily made scene" from this laptop to another laptop. You have to either do it in the same laptop or convert the "readily made scene" into video form first before you transfer it to another laptop.) Also, we learned not to be too demanding and practise the culture of 'letting go when it's the right time' when our attempt to delete the 'extra noise' was in vain.

We completed our trailer before three in the morning. We then went home and caught up our lost sleep in the early morning. That's a day.

Three

2009-01-25T04:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, which was 5th of February, was the birthday of Shun Ling! Apparently, we (Ainin, Chia Venn, Fern, Hooi Ying, Jaevon and me) only wished her "happy birthday" and showed no signs of having a celebration for her. On the other hand, all of us were sticking closely with the brainchild which had been designed beforehand by Ainin and Hooi Ying.

Well, the party planning was kept under wraps. Lots of white lies had been told and not forgotten all the funny things happened throughout. For instance, initially, Ainin and Hooi Ying was meant to buy an eyeliner to her. They pretended as if it was Hooi Ying who wanted to buy one and asked Shun Ling to choose for her.(So they went to 1U) Thing turned out to be Shun Ling herself wanted to buy on the spot as well. Neither of them bought eyeliner eventually as they couldn't find the brand they wanted. What's more was Shun Ling wondered if Hooi Ying wanted her to buy her one in Ipoh.

Things went smooth and the big day came at last. Ainin and Hooi Ying bought a jelly cake for Shun Ling. The reason for buying a jelly cake was simply because it contains lower cholesterol level compared to that of the other "ordinary" cakes. With a superbly lame excuse-to buy a bleach for her tainted shirt, in which the actual case was she has already bought one, Ainin successfully cheated Shun Ling out(to the Centrepoint) for about 20 minutes so that we could manage to get things done and hence to achieve our ultimate aim for the whole event-SURPRISE! Swiftly, we divided the jobs and worked out (get the cake placed parallel to the door of our room). When everything was done, we waited for their return with bated breath.

We text messages Ainin in order to get the latest update of their location. When a message telling that she and Shun Ling were within the vicinity of BU6, we switched off the light, lighted up the candles, and locked the door. [Thanks to all my housemates for their tolerance and allowing me to turn off the first floor's light.] Hearing the footsteps of theirs, all of us got ourselves hidden in the room except Hooi Ying who had to stand behind the door to lock the door when Shun Ling tried to open it. [I don't fathom what's the point of doing that, though] She did that for several times as planned until we heard these words came out from Shun Ling's mouth: Open the door now! I knew what you guys are trying to do already. Hooi Ying finally gave in and let the birthday aunty in. [I have to clarify that we are actually practising a culture of calling the girl "aunty" when she reaches the age of 18+1.]

There we sang her birthday song and let the scheme unveiled. I bet she was happy, by reading her facial expression at that very fleeting moment when she opened the door. Well, here came the climax of the day. Shun Ling gave Ming Chai a piece of cake! OK. A little bit of introduction should not be neglected. Ming Chai is our friend, a male friend, who lives next to our house and sponsored us 6 cans of Shandy [God knows what's his intention for sponsoring alcoholic drinks]. Jaevon, our photographer, who happens to be a novice in video recording, recorded the almost complete process of Shun Ling giving Ming Chai the very small piece of jelly cake. It was such a shame that the camera ran out of battery in the end and thus the farewell part between she and he failed to be recorded. Nevertheless, it was still a precious recording.

Meanwhile, it is almost impossible for me to talk about Ainin without a snicker on my face. Actually, a few days before Shun Ling's birthday, she had been to Centrepoint in search of her brand of bleach. However, her attempt came to a halt as the brand wasn't available there and so she bought one at 1U instead. As she deceived Shun Ling out with that reason, she didn't expect that the brand was in store that day. She even asked her to help to look for that particular brand and there Shun Ling found it! In order to protect our top secret, she forked out RM7 odd to purchase that silly bleach.

The night ended with something more interesting during the late hours but it's better to keep it to ourselves, I think. Well, all that I could say is that I do cherish my new circle of friends. I love them all.

Two

2009-01-16T05:32:00.000-08:00

You know what, I love blogging because I can backspace words and that was exactly what I did for half an hour before I wrote the first sentence here.

So, basically, we learned some components of literature this week. We discussed on the Key Literary Terms such as critical appreciation, metaphor, personification and blah blah blah...(Everybody knows that. What's the point of typing it here?) On the other hand, almost all Architecture students went for the Wayang Kata(as encouraged by lecturers) so let's give a big applause for our obedience to lecturers!!!

Perhaps you'll wonder why do we deserve such an ovation. First of all, Architecture students finish their(Am I shifting? Mrs Lee would probably say this:shift like mad) classes at 5.30pm and their were told to gather at Central Market LRT at 7.50pm, by hook or by crook. There were so much to do, yet so little time. I and Chia Venn, for instance, eating our catered dinner at bus stop while trying to get a taxi. Well, do imagine a scene in which 2 girls who look as if they have been starving for ages gulping their food at the bus stop, with motorcars traveling to and forth, emitting carbon monoxide,also, dust and dirts...

Next,as known by all and sundry, there's always a room(master bedroom) for improvement in our public transport system. This was another problem for the students to deal with. Even after they caught a taxi, they had to endure the snarl up as it was the peak hour when everybody calls it a day and goes home. After that, they had to squeeze with people in the LRT. As the passengers were packed to brim,it was amazing how they managed to breathe as if the pervasive odd, foul odor was not inhaled or smelled. Last but not least, they reached their destination promptly(some were even earlier) and did not kvetch a word.

Set aside the very challenging intinerary from BU to Central Market, the students had to wade through tuckload of homework at the midnight...Again, I feel like granting all of us The Best College's Students Award...Hehe..

Well, the best thing happened was to have a handshake with the Britain's renowned spoken word artist, Steven Camden a.k.a Polar bear. I won't forget the way he read his poem but I don't remember a single word that he said either. Those words produced by his larynx were like moving at a phenomenally high speed akin to that of light. They entered through my left ear and then disappeared somewhere in the middle before they get to leave via my right ear. One thing for sure was that they were not absorbed by my central nervous system. Anyway, thank to Mr.Derick for leading us to the venue.

It seems like I've been writing on an outing journey instead of a learning log. Actually, I am in daze. How does it have to be as an academic blog? Write stuff related with things we learned in college? Difficulties in learning process?Something formal? Or to blog like personal blogging such as things related with friends(as given in the paper)? Autobiography? [Yeah, now i can differentiate between biography and autobiography.]

Whatever it is, an error-free entry is my target. I'm slogging for it.

One

2009-01-08T21:53:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting in front of my laptop for 1 hour, wondering how should I begin my post...

Well, this is the first problem that I have when I write essays. There will be a brainstorm with words and points and eventually my mind will be a complete blank. I can't construct a sentence, a right statement. You'll see me holding my pen and staring at my A4 with no words written on it. Basically, I'll only start writing when my classmates have proceeded to the second or third paragraph. How miserable I am..

Hold on!That's not the doomsday of my life(in learning English). SPEAKING, which didn't figure in my top list of anxieties when I was young(before 18), rocket to top the ranking in merely 6-month-time since I've been here. To put it bluntly, I've developed some kind of undefined phobia to speak in English. I am having problem to verbalize things. Indeed, I fear the impromptu coursework the most. I always tried to escape or to skip this fearful session last year. I am not a demure girl but somehow I happen to be one.

On the other hand, drowsiness is my newly met friend. She sticks with me from day to night even when I am attending classes. Can you imagine how nagging it is when your eyelids are like thousands pound heavy yet you can't close your eyes? No matter how early I sleep, she'll be loyal and coming to me all the time. What's worse is that whenever I study I'll fall asleep. My roommates know that. Well, I'm trying to get rid of her...

In short, those are the problems I have in my studies. I'm still learning anyway. I will work harder. Last but not least, my essays are always

TOO SHORT

for lecturers.

I wish blogging doesn't count.